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by ihaveanaveragepenis



Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Coming Out, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Slow Burn, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-02 04:10:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19433653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ihaveanaveragepenis/pseuds/ihaveanaveragepenis
Summary: Uhhhhh, pretty much just au where they never went to New Ham.Grizz starts becoming kind of paranoid that everyone will find out he's gay and does some dumb stuff.Also loosely based off This is Home by Cavetown, hence the name.





	1. Often I'm upset that I cannot fall in love

Virginity was a strange concept to Grizz. What did it really mean? When did it really count? Was virginity such a definite? It certainly seemed so-you have sex, you’ve had sex, and a virgin by definition is some one who has never had sex-yet Grizz felt wrong claiming not to be one. He had had sex numerous times but he never really felt as though he was “there”. Just playing along, waiting for it to be over. Was that really sex? Was that all it would ever be? Or would a day come where he would have sex-really have sex-and feel there and engaged and himself. Would that be losing his virginity? When it really counts? Or is all sex just sex, good or bad, real or fake. Well, Grizz wanted to say that this-this just wasn’t sex. This was not what he wanted to think of when someone said sex. His “first time” would never be the first time he wanted to share. This was not sex. Grizz had not had sex. He was just playing the part.

This was not sex. This was not sex. This was not sex. He repeated it over and over in his head until it became so meaningless it hurt his head and left a bad taste in his mouth. Still, he needed it. He needed to remind himself, even though anyone who saw this, anyone who walked in, hell, even the girl beneath him would call it sex, it wasn’t. Not for him. He felt disgusted even considering it. 

He always felt disgusted when he was with girls. He was lying to them. To himself. Like a coward. He felt awful. He guessed it made him a bad person, like he was using these girls when he knew that they were on an entirely different page. They saw sex. He saw a cover. And yet, he didn’t know what else he was to do. He needed to do something to fucking keep all his pieces together, or they would drift too far from each other and all his vices would spill onto the floor where anyone could see them. He needed to do this, and it made him sick.

But thinking all this was a pain. Instead he tried to focus on the sensation. The sensation that, if he closed his eyes and numbed his brain enough, could be coming from an entirely different person.

***

Sam Eliot sat alone at a wooden library table, legs tucked under a chair, head bent over a book. He was completely unaware of the world around him. The people milling about the shelves were barely more than flickers of blurry colors darting past his peripheral vision and any sound they could have made would fail to register. And Grizz, despite the loud chatter of his friends around him, felt like he understood the boy to some degree. Maybe it wasn’t the same, Grizz could still hear the buzzing around him, but it all seemed dull. Like he was underwater, while all his friends, all the other students, all the people in the town even splashed above the water. He was alone with Sam. Nothing but dull sounds and dull light and the gentle sway of waves, that deep green feeling running through his stomach, and no one else at his table was paying attention. The way the library shelves were set up, only Grizz could see Sam from his table. Where he sat, at the end by a large window, a shelf blocked off most of the next table over. All he could see was Sam sitting at the end of his own table. The light from the window gave his red hair a golden glow, and lit up his pale skin in a way that made Grizz feel it was impossible to look away. He half wished Sam knew that Grizz was under the water with him. 

Unfortunately, Grizz’s peaceful state was interrupted as his friends dragged him up to shore and forced unwelcome air into his lungs. 

“Grizz,” Jason called from across the table, “Man, what the fuck? Are you even fucking listening to me?”

“Hmm?” Grizz pulled his eyes from Sam to face his friends. They all looked at him like he had two heads. 

“Dude, why the fuck are you always so weird?” Clark asked. “You’re always looking all sad and emo.”

“I’m not sad and emo dipshit, I’m just thinking,” Grizz defended. He knew he was a little weird, at least compared to his friends. They all played football, and you could pretty much tell just watching them walk down the halls. Dressed in varsity jackets and walking with a strut like they owned the whole fucking school. Grizz played too, and he was as good as anyone on the team. He got along with his friends, but he was still just a little different. More thoughtful and poetic. Clarke always joked about his weird knowledge of plays and literature. He knew it was all friendly, no one really minded that he wasn’t a stereotypical meathead jock, but still. When they pointed it out it made him a little nervous. Like they knew something.

“The hell are you always thinking for, man?” Clark continued to poke.

“C’mon,” Luke jumped in, “That’s just Grizz. He actually has a couple brain cells, unlike you morons.”

Clark and Jason both reached over to Luke, pushing him around and shouting playfully, before settling back down (at least as much as they could. They were a bit of a force of chaos at any given time).

“So,” Grizz said, attempting to steer his friends back towards actual conversation, “What were you guys talking about before?”

“What?” Jason asked dumbly, face screwed up in confusion.

“Before? When you were fucking yelling at me cause I wasn’t listening to your oh-so-important conversation?” Grizz clarified.

“Oh,” Jason’s face lit up as he slowly connected the dots, “I got a girlfriend.”  
Grizz laughed as he watched the boy across from him smirk proudly, “Oh yeah? How much you paying her?”

“Man, fuck you,” Jason retorted. Clark chuckled, and Jason hit him in the arm. “At least I have a girlfriend. You’re the only one who’s single now.”

“That’s cause Grizz doesn’t wanna be tied down,” Clark joked, “Grizz gets mad bitches. Isn’t that right Grizz?”

“Uh,” Grizz said uncomfortably, “Sure, yeah man. Mad bitches.” He knew that wasn’t him. Clark and Jason and Luke had him wrong. He wouldn’t actually mind being tied down. He slept around with girls for appearances, but really, a relationship, a real relationship where Grizz wasn’t just praying it would all be over soon, sounded nice. But it wasn’t worth it.

“Hell yeah,” Clark cheered, holding out his hand for a first bump. Grizz met his fist half heartedly, but his friend didn’t notice. He never really did. As much as Grizz loved his friends, they were kind of fucking idiots. They meant well and all, but they really just weren’t very observant. They never noticed when Grizz was upset, and even if they did. They wouldn’t do anything. They weren’t like that. They were manly as all hell. They didn’t talk about that stuff. Luke would with Helena. Sometimes, when Jason was so shit faced he could barely stand, he would start babbling on about weirdly sappy stuff. But Grizz was the only one who would always be aware of other’s feelings. It made him feel out of place.

“I always thought Grizz would be the first of us to have an actual girlfriend,” Luke grinned, “He’s all, like, soft and shit. Girls eat it up. I thought you two would just sleep around until you fuckin died.”

“I’m not soft,” Grizz argued, though he knew it was pointless.

“Naw man,” Clark shook his head, “You’re soft.”  
“Yeah, like a fucking bear. Like a fucking grizzly bear,” Jason agreed.

“Grizzly bears aren’t soft dumbass. They’re fucking bears,” Luke pointed out.

“Yeah but like a teddy bear or something.”

“Wait, is he a grizzly bear or a teddy bear?” Clark questioned.

“Fuck,” Jason muttered under his breath, unable to think up an answer to the complex and thought provoking question presented to him.

As the football players continued debating Grizz’s soft, bear-like qualities, Grizz found his eyes drifting back to the space between the wall and the bookcase, falling on an empty seat at the end of a table. Grizz frowned at the apparent lack of any pretty redheads.

“I’m going to class,” he then announced, grabbing his bag from the floor and hooking it around his shoulder as he stood up. “See you guys.”  
They all gave him short goodbyes, returning to whatever their conversation had devolved into, and Grizz walked out of the library to his next class.

His next class. Science. The only class that he really looked forward to. He guessed that might surprise people. Everyone knew about his love of literature. Books and plays and poems that he would memorize and quote just because they seemed so important at the time, and never really faded from his mind. But english class and the West Ham High School was lackluster. The teacher always drowned on and on and never really got into all the nitty gritty subtleties that made Grizz tick. It frustrated him to no end every time he stepped into that class. Science, on the other hand, excited him. Not because of the actual academics, although it was fairly interesting and his lack of passion towards it allowed him to be content with the rather simple work they did in a mind numbingly entertaining way. But that wasn’t what he looked forward to. He looked forward to science class because it was the one class he shared with Sam Eliot. 

He knew he thought about Sam a lot. Maybe too much. Definitely too much. He shouldn’t be thinking about him at all. But he just couldn’t stop himself. Every chance he got to even look at Sam he took, and he relished. Afterall, it was all he could get. He would never be able to take things further, stuck in West Ham. Everyone here knew who he was, had expectations of who he was. If he didn’t live up to that… fuck. He could wait until college, when there were no expectations of who he was. He could be Grizz. Just Grizz, no strings attached. But not here. And unfortunately, here was the only place Sam and Grizz seemed to exist together. So, he would remain nothing more than a beautiful things for Grizz to look at but never touch. Or even speak. Fuck, Grizz knew if he ever spoke to Sam everything would come crumbling down. He knew he would abandon every safety precaution he had made to insure his secrets never get out, he would abandon every rule he created to keep himself hidden away just enough, and he would lay himself bare for the whole world to see,all to insure Sam saw him too. He was fucked.

The class began to funnel into the room and settle into their seats. Grizz sat in the very back, next to Carla. She was nice enough, with tan skin and brown hair down to her chest. Grizz always kind of got the feeling she liked him but he never did anything about it. He tried not to sleep with people he saw daily. It made things complicated.

They spoke for a bit as people continued to arrive. Not about anything particularly interesting. Carla twirled her hair as they talked making Grizz feel like he was right thinking she liked him. He wasn’t very concerned with that though. He spent most of his energy trying to hide the fact that he was eyeing the door, waiting for Sam to walk in. When he did, Grizz swore their eyes met. He turned away quickly, hoping Sam hadn’t thought he was being weird or something. For the next couple minutes, Grizz adamantly looked anywhere but Sam, fearful of another moment of awkward eye contact, instead focusing on Carla, who was talking about a pair of cowboy boots her brother had bought.

Once everyone had made it out of the halls and into their seats, their teacher, Ms. Hansen, a worryingly thin woman with beady eyes and tight lips, stood up in front of the rooms. Grizz didn’t pay attention through most of it. When the teacher spoke, Grizz knew he would be able to glance over at Sam. Or maybe more than a glance. Sam was intently watching the teacher as she spoke, and Grizz was really free to look at him. He would take full advantage of that. Afterall, Sam was nice to look at. 

Grizz didn’t tune back in to what was being said until he saw Carla start to get up from her seat.

“What are we doing?” He whispered at her urgently, hoping he could figure his way around whatever the class was doing off her answer.

“Partner work,” Carla explained. Grizz still didn’t know what “work” they were doing, but the answer sufficed.

After that, he paid more attention as Ms. Hansen called out names, until his own was called.   
“Grizz and Sam,” She read out.

At that, Grizz felt a jump in his stomach. Nausea and excitement and absolute terror. He was working with Sam. The one guy he simultaneously wanted to never speak a word to and talk to until his voice died. Like some fucking piece of shit God was watching Grizz and laughing as he struggled to contain all his emotions that could quiet literally kill him if he were to ever release them, and some people would say that was dramatic, because this wasn’t something that could kill someone, but Grizz swore if it ever got out he would definitely, definitely die, and fuck, if he had to work with Sam, there would be no way he wouldn’t make a complete and udder idiot out of himself, and everyone would know, and Sam would look at him as if he was a bug he had just squashed under his hand, guts everywhere, and his friends would call him a faggot and never speak to him again and his parents would kick him out and he’d starve on the streets and never make it to college, all because of one fucking science class. He was fucked. Because now, he really had to speak to him, something he only dared to think about in the privacy of his own home, not something he ever planned to act on. He couldn’t fucking do this.

By the time Grizz surfaced from the deep well of his thoughts, Sam had sat down where Carla had been. The same seat Carla had twirled her hair in while talking to Grizz. And now Grizz had to talk to Sam, and maybe twirl his hair-no that was fucking stupid.

“Hi,” Sam greeted cautiously, and Grizz guessed he probably looked a little coked out or something. Then, a horrible realization washed over Grizz as He processed Sam’s words because, fuck. He couldn’t fucking speak to Sam. He didn’t know how to. He had been so worked up he had completely forgotten until he heard Sam’s fucking accent. They can’t fucking talk.

Sam must have noticed Grizz’s apparent panic as he added, moving his fingers along with the words, “I can read lips.”

“Oh,” Grizz exhaled, a bit of relief chasing away the gnawing feeling in his stomach. “Oh, ok. That’s cool.”

“So, you wanna get started?” Sam asked, and Grizz was thankful at least one of them was able to fucking hold a conversation because he was really struggling. 

“Yeah,” Grizz agreed, “Yeah sure.”

“You wanna get the materials?” Sam continued.

“Materials?” He questioned. He should have fucking payed attention. At the same time, Grizz really didn’t regret how he had spent his time instead. He still had another year before college. He was really stuck where he was for a while and even small moments of just doing things like looking at a cute boy felt so refreshing to Grizz. Like everything he had piled onto his own back with this fucking secret was at least done for a reason. So that someday he could have what he really wanted.

“For the lab?” Sam said, eyeing Grizz like he was a fucking idiot. Maybe he was, but all Grizz could think about was how blue Sam’s eyes were up close. He had never been close enough to notice them before. 

“Right. Yes,” Grizz stood up clumsily, accidentally knocking his chair back and muttering a quick apology. He was about to leave to get the materials when he remembered he had no clue what this lab was-God, Sam really did mess with him. “What materials again?”

Sam gave him another look, sighing.


	2. But I guess this avoids the stress of falling out of it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clark throws a party.

Grizz walked out of science feeling utterly defeated. He was entirely sure Sam had thought he was crazy. Every time he spoke it came out choked and stuttery and he slurred the few words he managed to get out. He would forget words in his sentences, sometimes he would repeat words. He felt like his heart was racing a million miles an hour and overcharging every cell in his body, so every movement he made was jerky and clumsy. He had nearly dropped their triple beam balance as he had carried it back to their lab station, and spilled a beaker full of water over the counter top. He was an absolute mess, and he didn’t think he had ever been like that. It was just so overwhelming and terrifying. He was so paranoid that Sam or someone else in the class would pick up on Grizz’s feelings and it put him on edge. But instead of being able to fucking hide it and act semi-normal, Grizz just turned into a bumbling idiot. Even worse, Sam probably thought Grizz was being weird because he was deaf, like it made him uncomfortable. Grizz felt like shit, because if that was what Sam thought than he had probably hurt Sam. The thought of hurting Sam dug a pit into Grizz stomach and made him feel even worse than before.

He met his friends-void of Luke, who was probably off with Helena somewhere-in the hallway, all huddled around Jason’s locker. Again, he found himself struggling to care about what they were talking about, instead watching with guilt as Sam and his friend Becca, a short girl with long brown hair, walked passed him down the hall. They stopped at Becca’s locker, signing to each other fluently. Grizz obviously couldn’t make sense of it, but his dumb paranoid brain told him Sam was signing about the asshole jock from science class who couldn’t look a deaf kid in the eye.

Clark jabbed Grizz in the side. “Again with the emo shit, bro?”

“Sorry,” he muttered, pulling his eyes back to his friends.

“What were you looking at?” Clark asked, peering behind him, eyes meeting the space Grizz had fixated on before. “Dude, where you looking at Becca?”

“Aw, no way! He’s into Becca!” Jason joined in teasingly. 

“No, guys c’mon-”

“Grizz is in love with Becca,” Clark sang, giving Grizz a shove on the shoulder. 

“Are you guys fucking five years old?” Grizz sighed.

“Five and a half,” Jason corrected indignantly. 

“Yo, dude,” Clark said, “You should invite her to my party.”  
“What?” Grizz raised an eyebrow in question. He hadn’t been told about any party and he sure as hell wasn’t inviting Becca to one.

“Yeah, my party. Tonight. Maybe if you actually fucking listened to me instead of starig at your girlfriend you’d know,” Clark explained, “My parents are out of town for my sister’s gymnastics thingy. Got the place to myself. Invite Becca.”  
“No.” Grizz wasn’t letting his friends try to frag him into a relationship with someone, especially not Sam’s fucking best friend.

“Pussy,” Jason huffed.

“Fine, don’t invite her. I will,” Clark shrugged. With that, he turned around and walked over to Becca, across the hall, still talking with Sam.

Grizz tried to grab at Clark or tell him to stop, but his protests were ignored, and he ended up waving his arms uselessly as Jason watched in amusement.

Grizz worried his lip as he watched Clark talk to Becca. She looked pretty uninterested in Clark’s invitation, occasionally turning to her side to translate for Sam and keep him in the loop. When Grizz saw her lips forming a flat ‘no’, Sam immediately began signing in, based of Becca’s disbelieving look, defiance. Clark spoke again, a triumphant smirk playing on his lips, and Becca, apparently defeated, gave in. 

When Clark strutted back over, he grinned at Grizz.

“You’re gettin laid tonight,” he informed him.

“Why would you do that?” Grizz sighed.

“Dude,” Clark said, “I think you mean ‘thank you’. I got your girl to go to my party. I even had to invite Sam.”  
Grizz paused. “You invited Sam?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry. I’m pretty sure he’s gay. He isn’t gonna try to steal her.”

“Right,” Grizz nodded, going along with Clark’s reassurance, despite being him being completely wrong about why Sam made Grizz nervous. “Cool.”

***

“Why the hell do you even wanna go to this thing?” Becca signed, as the two walked away from her locker towards the front doors of the school, “I thought you hated all those football players.”

“I never get invited to things,” Sam explained, “If you go, I can go too. Like normal high schoolers doing normal high school things.”  
Becca frowned sympathetically at her friend. “You hate high school.”

Sam shrugged, “I still wanna know what it’s like. Parties.”

“I don’t even know why I was invited,” she admitted.

“Who cares? Just go and have fun.”

“Fine,” Becca muttered, “I’ll go. You can’t make me have fun though.”  
“I can,” Sam replied.

***

Grizz was fairly drunk considering the party had only just started. Since he was friends with Clark, he had shown up a bit early, allowing him time to get properly buzzed in preparation for the night. He had two things swimming through his mind that he knew he would have to take care of. First, his friends attempting to get him a girlfriend, which he very much did not want-like, sure he slept with girls, it made him nauseous but he did, but dating them? Fuck that was too much commitment to this whole act he had going on. The second thing he had to worry about was Sam. Sam would be at this party. He had never had to worry about that before, Sam never went to this stuff. It used to bring Grizz down a little, always hoping drunkenly that he would see the boy at one, but now that he would, the fact suffocated him. He was a nervous wreck around Sam, he knew that now. And at a party, where so many people could see. Fuck, he was going to get caught.

So he drank. And maybe, at least until the inevitable arrival of Grizz’s two issues, he could push all worries from his mind and enjoy what pieces of the night that he could.

As the crowd thickened and it became harder to move around without stumbling into another intoxicated student, Grizz found himself being shoved around from person to person. He didn’t mind, his brain was fuzzy enough that all the nameless girls taking their turns to press against him was bearable. Something to do at least. Some of them would try to talk to him, and that made it a little easier. A conversation, be it rather simple and meaningless, was still something to keep Grizz from just standing uncomfortably, attempting to at least sway along with the beat occasionally. And honestly, these conversations were a bit like science class. Mind numbingly entertaining. Not everything had to be genius. Somethings were mundane. 

Eventually, Grizz was pushed to the side of the room. He took the opportunity to lean against the wall, catching his breath a bit and collecting himself. As he gazed across the masses, pointedly ignoring the door, he felt someone shift beside him. Turning, he caught sight of Allie, with her blonde hair pulled up and a smile decorating her face.

“Hey!” She greeted enthusiastically, voice raised to be heard over the thumping of the loud music Clark had blaring. “Why aren’t you out there?”

“Taking a break,” Grizz shrugged.

Allie nodded. “Yeah. That’s fair.”

“So what about you?” Grizz asked, trying to keep the conversation alive. Allie was actually one of his favorite people to talk to. She was fairly smart and really sweet. “Why aren’t you out there?”

She frowned a little, looking down at her feet.

“Don’t wanna talk about it?” He asked.

“No. It’s fine,” Allie shrugged half heartedly, bringing her eyes back up to meet Grizz’s, “Will’s dancing with Kelly. Just wanted to get out of their for a little.”  
Grizz nodded a bit, “You alright?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

Grizz was about to say something else, when Clark, in his drunken rage, came bounding over. He slouched on top of Grizz, spilling a bit of his beer onto the floor, and yelled, “You’re girl is here!” before melting back into the cluster of kids again. Grizz watched him for a bit, trailing him until he saw Becca and Sam. Clark pointed out Grizz, before dragging Sam off somewhere. Becca, now alone in the crowd, looked uncomfortable and small (she looked pretty small in general, but now, all alone, she looked a bit like a child). Grizz felt a bit bad, and tried to wave her over, hoping that having some anchor would help her. As he did so, Allie leaned in, whispering a small ‘I’ll leave you two alone’, before disappearing from his side. She didn’t have too, and Grizz felt a bit disappointed at her absence, but that was mostly forgotten when his waving finally caught Becca’s attention and she began pushing through the floor of dancing people to meet him by the wall.

“Hey,” Grizz said, leaning in a bit so that Becca could hear him.

“Hey.” Becca glanced around, barely giving Grizz any more acknowledgement. He had thought that maybe having someone she knew to talk to would help put her at ease, but he realized that they didn’t really know each other. He saw her walking around the school, often with Sam, and it was fair enough to assume she knew who he was, but they had never really spoken before. Maybe him flagging her down wasn’t the best idea.

“You don’t have to be here if you don’t want. Like, you don’t have to talk to me.”  
“I don’t have anywhere else to be. I didn’t want to come to this stupid thing in the first place, but Sam dragged me along. Now he’s off somewhere playing nice with fucking Clark.” Becca seemed a bit worked up and Grizz really wished he had put a stop to Clark’s plan sooner.

“So not into the party scene, huh?” he asked lightly, hoping to brighten the mood, at least a little.

“Not at all. I don’t know why Sam wanted to go so bad. Or why Clark invited us at all. I don’t think I’ve ever talked to him.” Grizz shifted uncomfortably, debating whether or not he should tell Becca about Clark’s plan. It seemed like the right thing to do. Leaving her in the dark, unaware of something that very much involved her just felt like lying.

“Clark’s kinda been trying to set us up,” he admitted. 

Becca raised an eyebrow. “Why?”  
“He thinks I like you,” he paused, “I don’t by the way. Like, no offence, I just wouldn’t want you to-”  
“No, I get it,” Becca cut him off. “Why does he think you like me?”

“He thought I was looking at you in the halls. I tried to get him to fuck off but once he gets an idea in his head you can’t really change his mind,” Grizz explained.

“Yeah. He’s kind of an idiot.”  
“He means well.”

Him and Becca talk for a while longer and it’s nice. Grizz thought that maybe in some other universe Clark and his friends would be right. Becca seemed cool. She showed him photos she had taken on her phone, talking animatedly about each one. What they meant to her, how they had come about, how she had wanted them to come out. It was all so interesting the way she explained it, even if Grizz had absolutely no knowledge of photography. Then Grizz would talk about music, bands and artists he liked. Becca nodded along happily, and though he was unsure if she actually know what he was babbling about, Grizz felt as if there was a mutual understanding. That, even though neither really had a firm grasp on the other’s interest, they were enjoyable nonetheless, if not in content than in passion. It was nice. Just talking to someone. Maybe it was the beer, or the pulsing sounds of bass, but Grizz felt better than he had in a while. Calmer. Every so often he would catch sight of Clark, who was clearly watching to make sure all went to plan and Grizz got laid, but even that failed to pull Grizz from his good mood. For once, he really just wasn’t worried about who he was, because Becca just truly didn’t seem to care. One way or another, Becca was fine. Lately, Grizz had started feeling so incredibly trapped, in a way that he never had before. Like maybe the reality of his situation, and the heavy weight of the secret he bore had finally set in and he just couldn’t shake it. He had been carrying it so long and suddenly it all hit and he felt he couldn’t even walk down the halls at school without having all eyes on him, judging him and every move he made. One slip up and suddenly it would all be out, and that starving fish that gnawed on the inside of his stomach would finally tear it’s way out to die on the floor in front of everyone. He wasn’t feeling that anymore. It would likely return, because fuck Grizz, but for now, chatting with Becca really did ease his nerves.

And then, of course, like the tide pulling back from the shore, pulling water even farther from Grizz, Sam came and Grizz was reminded of all the ropes that bound his limbs tight. 

Becca turned her attention from Grizz as her friend approached. Grizz gave a small wave to Sam, but he either didn’t notice or just ignored it, instead signing something to Becca. After a short exchange between Sam and Becca, Becca turned back to Grizz.

“We’re gonna head out now,” She informed him, “But it was nice talking with you.”

“Yeah,” Grizz agreed, “I’ll see you.”

“Bye,” she waved, before beginning to head through the mass of people. As the pair exited, Grizz let out a small “bye” and sighed. He felt a little empty.

***

“Why were you hanging out with him?” Sam asked once they had left the stuffy, over crowded house. It had been so hot inside and all a little overwhelming, but now out on the walkway it was weirdly calm and cool, like a personal little bubble. They could still feel faint little thrums from inside the house, but it was so separate from their own world.

“Grizz?” Becca asked. 

“Yeah. You always talk about how much you hate those people,” Sam pointed out. It was true, Becca talked about it, much more than Sam ever did. She just always got such bad vibes from the football players. Maybe not Grizz on his own, but being friends with Jason and Clark felt like a bit of a red flag.

“He’s actually pretty cool,” Becca shrugged, “And I think he might be into me.”  
“I told you about how weird he was earlier, right? Please tell me you’re not gonna fuck him,” Sam frowned at the girl walking beside him, blue eyes pleading, though it was all mostly a joke to him. He didn’t believe Becca would actually fuck a football player, not matter how “cool” he was or how nice his ass looked. Not that Sam paid attention to that. It was just an objective observation. All of those guys were dicks, but Sam would be a liar if he said they weren’t physically very attractive.

“C’mon, you know he’s not my type. It’s just kinda cute, y’know?” Becca explained, playfully shoving Sam with her shoulder.

“Yeah, real cute.”  
“Don’t be so bitter.”  
“Look who’s talking.”

Becca laughed. “So how was your ‘normal highschool’ night?” She asked.

“Good,” Sam grinned, “Really good.”

***

After Becca had left, Grizz felt a little lost. Thankfully, he was at a high school party, and when in rome, you get incredibly fucking drunk. He didn’t really care how much he drank, or what he would do afterwards, he just wanted to feel numb and forget. Because he hated remembering, remembering how, for a little bit, he had started to feel himself again. He hadn’t felt like himself in a long time, pretty much since he started up this act. And fuck the act had gone on for so long. At times he even forgot it was an act. That the disgust he felt with himself when he forced himself to be with girls was a result of something deeper. And when he finally felt it all easy back, he had immediately been snapped right back into reality. He thought of Sam’s face, right before he had left. Grizz swore they had made eye contact, and he swore that Sam looked at Grizz with something close to disgust. Maybe not that strong, Grizz didn’t really warrant disgust. Maybe just disdain. But either way, it hurt Grizz. Because somehow, he told himself it was because Sam knew. Sam had picked up on Grizz’s feeling previously that day and he knew and he didn’t feel the same. The thought of Grizz feeling that way made Sam look at him like that. That was what Grizz’s feelings had gotten him, and it fucking hurt. He hated it.

The more he drank, the more resentment he felt towards that part of himself. Maybe that wasn’t the goal, the opposite of the goal even, but at this point Grizz didn’t know what else to do or where to stop. 

At one point or another, Grizz wound up stumbling into Carla, and in his foggy state, he threw out all his rules about girls. At this point, he didn’t care that he knew her, or that that could somehow lead him to some sort of commitment. He wanted Sam and this  _ thing _ , this disgusting thing, out of his head in any way he could get it. Maybe commitment was the way to do that. To form an actual relationship, with like, real trust, and real feelings-at least in some way, even platonic-to make him forget that he even had another option. He didn’t really. He could see another option but he couldn’t get it. Too far away. He just wanted to stop feeling the way he did. So, rules be damned, he slept with Carla.

He fucking hated himself for so many reasons. Fuck Sam.


	3. Are you dead? Sometimes I think I'm dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like, a little over a month since the last chapter so prom is coming up

Luke hadn’t shut up for days. All he was talking about was some dream he had that he was convinced was a prophecy. Grizz honestly thought it was fairly entertaining for a while, but around the third day it just got tired. The worst part was, Clark and Jason were completely sure Luke was right, like he was some sort of Messiah. 

His dream didn’t even make sense really. No matter how vivid he claimed it to be, it was just silly, and the odd looks his friends were giving him, as if he might drop dead at any instant started to feel invasive. Like one morning, Grizz would step out of the shower to find his friends sat on the countertop casting pitiful glances at him. In Luke’s dream, Carla had shot him through his neck. Luke could go on for a solid fifteen minutes about the way Grizz’s blood had dripped down to the floor, and honestly Grizz was becoming worried his friend had somehow developed trauma because of his own fucking dream. It was still ridiculous. And every time Grizz was with Carla in school, his friends would shoot each other these looks. If he tried to see her out of school, they would bombard his phone with texts.

“You gotta stay away from her man!”

“She’s bad news!”

“You know what happened in Luke’s dream!”  
“Grizz, bro, don’t chance that shit!”

It was completely insane. He was really feeling as though he couldn’t even go near Carla-his own fucking girlfriend-without fearing some group of delusional assholes would talk his ear off and bore holes into his skull with their “don’t say I didn’t warn you” looks. Because of  this, he had taken to skipping classes more often in order to see Carla. The two often left school right before science class to hang out in the woods behind the school. They would walk a good couple minutes out and settle on a large rock with a dent large enough to work as a seat. Sometimes they would make out and sometimes they would talk. Grizz enjoyed it. He liked Carla, he really did, despite all that shit that Luke believed about his dumb fucking dream. Carla was good for him, and he knew that. Before her he had been miserable and confused, but he knew who he was now. He realized that none of the things he was so worried about really ran that deep. 

“Ya know,” Carla began, but Grizz wasn’t really listening, “Prom is coming up.”  
“Mmm,” he mumbled, focusing on the great blue sky that peaked through the branches above.

“Most people have dates by now,” Carla continued, impatience lacing her voice.

“That’s cool.”

“Grizz. I’m serious,” she whined, “Why haven’t you asked me yet?”

“Huh?”

“Have you been listening to anything I’ve said?” Finally, Grizz turned to face his girlfriend, who was glaring at him. If looks could kill…

“Course I was listening. Prom, right? I’ll take you to prom,” Grizz said, hoping to spare himself any fighting. He wasn’t all that interested in prom but if Carla wanted to go that was fine. He wouldn’t make a huge fuss about it.

“Grizz, c’mon that’s so lame,” Carla scolded, “You have to ask.”  
“Oh.”

She gave him an expectant look. “Well?”  
“Shit, right. Uh, Carla, do you wanna go to prom with me?” he asked dumbly. 

Carla let out a frustrated sigh, before standing up from the rock and storming off back to the school. Grizz called after her but she didn’t give in, only acknowledging him with a quick middle finger. 

Shit. That was bad. Carla was mad. Again. It felt like she was mad a lot. Grizz knew he wasn’t the greatest boyfriend, but come on, he had never done this before. He wasn’t exactly sure how it all went and he never seemed to know what she wanted from him. Everyone always said he was the most ‘feminine’ out of his friends (though the bar wasn’t incredibly high) and he always got along with other girls. He thought that would make dating them easier, but he just couldn’t figure Carla out. He tried doing what he thought she’d like but it never seemed to be enough. She always told him it was like he didn’t care. Like he wasn’t ‘invested’. He did care though, he really liked Carla. Grizz wanted things to go well with her. He just didn’t know what he was doing wrong. 

Grizz frowned, picking himself up of the rock and making his own way back towards the school. There was still about ten minutes left until they were supposed to get out and Grizz had to wait for Jason to drive him home. Despite being seventeen, Grizz still hadn’t gotten his license. It just hadn’t been a priority. Plus, Jason lived a few streets down and they did most things all as a group, so driving together wasn’t really out of the way for either of them. 

While Grizz waited by Jason’s car, he pulled out his phone, shooting a quick text to Carla trying to apologize. He figured the best course of action would be to apologize, leave her be for a bit to cool off, and then make it up to her. That was what he usually did when he pissed her off. At least this time he knew how he would do that. He knew she wanted him to ask her to prom, and she wanted it to be big-bigger at least. 

After a few minutes, Grizz checked his phone. No reply, but Carla had seen it. Great.

He kept checking it compulsively, until finally his friends made their presence known by all tackling him at once. He laughed, shoving the boys off, and giving them each a fist bump.

“There he is,” Clark stated, “Still alive and kicking.”

“Haha, fuck you,” Grizz retaliated jokingly.

“Man it’s serious. I told you about my dream,” Luke argued.

“Yeah, you fuckin did man. Doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen.”

“It felt really real.”  
“I once had a dream that I was like two inches taller,” Jason shared, “Next morning, I woke up six foot four.”

“You’re not six foot foour,” Grizz said.  
“I fucking am,” he defended, pulling Grizz into a headlock. “C’mon, say it! Say I’m six four!” he demanded over and over. Grizz ultimately gave in, rubbing his neck and laughing breathily after release, and the boys all piled into the car. 

“We’re thinking about going to the sub shop. You down?” Clark asked Grizz, turning around in his seat to face him as they pulled out of the student parking lot.

“Sure,” Grizz nodded.

“Dope.”

The conversation carried on about mostly nothing, something Grizz was becoming more comfortable with. Nothing was good, it meant he didn’t have to worry. He had been much less worried since he embraced that. Living simplistically really cleared his head, so when his friends decided to talk about nothing but girls and football, Grizz became blissfully ignorant. It was good.

Girls, football. Girls, football. Girls, football. Easy, easy, easy. Over the last month, talking about girls and football became one of Grizz’s favorite things, something that his friends had definitely picked up on. Clark had referred to it as his ‘awakening’ to the real joys of life. Although, really Grizz would agree. At least until somebody made it weird, took it too far, and with Grizz’s friends, you could always count on someone taking it too far, even if they hadn’t meant to. Usually that was it. Someone said something and Grizz just didn’t want to talk about it. It wouldn’t make sense to anyone else, but Grizz just wouldn’t talk about it.

“Did you hear that Becca and Sam are going to prom together?” Clark asked Grizz at one point, because of course he did. Though Grizz had been dating Carla for over a month, Clark still had it in his head that he and Becca were soulmates. It may have had something to do with Luke’s dream, which made it even more fucking annoying. He had never liked Becca to begin with-not like that at least-and he was happy with Carla, but he couldn’t stop pushing.

“Why would I care?” Grizz questioned. He really didn’t care. He had never been interested in Becca, and he was over whatever that thing he thought he was feeling towards Sam was. He had no investments tied to either. Just a girl who he had been ‘caught’ looking at, and a boy who he had attached to for some stupid reason in a time of confusion.

“Cause that’s your girl, man,” Clark explained. The way he said it, he sounded almost offended that Grizz wasn’t as hung up on Becca as he supposedly should be.

“Dude, I’m not into her.”

“Yeah ok.”

“Wait, I thought Sam was gay,” Jason added, turning away from the road a bit.

“Yeah, I thought so too,” Luke nodded in agreement, “Came out last year, right?”

Grizz bit the inside of his mouth. He didn’t really care that Sam was gay and dating a girl, but it made him a little uneasy. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe Clark was right. Maybe he did have feeling for Becca. Or… No, he was done with that shit. He wasn’t gay for Sam. He wasn’t fucking gay for anyone. All that shit was just him acting out and being confused. He knew he wasn’t the world’s most masculine guy, especially for a football player, but that didn’t automatically make him gay. 

“Whatever man,” Grizz said, “Who gives a shit?”

“You,” Clark stated.

“Cause he’s gay and still fucking your girl,” Jason oh so helpfully explained.

“She’s not my girl.”  
“Yeah cause she’s fucking a fag,” Clark joked. Again, the uneasy feeling dug into Grizz’s stomach. He didn’t know why. Maybe he just was sympathetic for Sam. Being called a fag probably wasn’t the easiest thing for him. Even if Clark didn’t mean it in a bad way-Grizz wasn’t sure how he meant it: an insult, or just a word?-maybe it would hurt Sam. Yeah that was it. Grizz was just sympathetic.

“C’mon dude, don’t say that,” Grizz chided. Even if it was just a joke, it didn’t sit right with Grizz, and he felt better calling Clark out for it and defending Sam-he wasn’t even there to do i t himself, of course he should!-rather than just letting it slide.

“What? Fag?”

“Yeah man. I’m pretty sure gay people don’t like that.”  
“It’s just a word man,” he argued, “You know I didn’t mean shit.”

“Yeah Grizz, why you being such a pussy about this?” Jason asked.

“I just think you guys shouldn’t say it. That’s it,” Grizz shrugged, trying to keep a neutral face, even though internally he felt a bit panicked. Like somehow the use of the word in reference to a guy that none of them really even knew personally affected him. Maybe he was being a pussy about this. And yet, he couldn’t shake that nagging buzz in the pit of his stomach.

“Bro, it’s not like we give a shit if he’s gay. He just is,” Clark explained.

“Yeah, whatever,” Grizz backed down, just wanting the conversation to be over. He felt pressure on his chest, and his hands were unsteady. Fuck that.

Jason and Clark brushed it off, muttering short “whatever”s, as they returned to their previous conversation about their own prom plans with Erika and Gwen.

“What was that about?” Luke asked quietly. He had stayed out of the previous conversation, as he often did when Clark and Jason took their teasing a bit too far.

“Nothing.” Luke didn’t believe him. Grizz knew it. Luke knew him better than anyone, he knew when he was lying, but this just wasn’t something he could talk about with Luke. Not with Clark and Jason in the car, certainly. Not alone either. Because honestly, Grizz didn’t even know what their was to talk about. He knew he just felt bad for Sam, and obviously that wasn’t out of character for Grizz. He was always known to be more caring than his friends, and he was known for calling them out on their bullshit. Calmly. He was calm. But in that last conversation, Grizz had felt defensive. Like a feral animal backed into a corner, watching as his friends loomed over him, talking loudly in some frightening manner that they couldn’t even comprehend. He couldn’t explain why.

***

It was big. At least for Grizz. He was never known to be a super “out there” guy. He was weird, sure, as far as typical high school hierarchy was concerned, but he was still a rather laid back person. At most, his energy levels met that of his classmates at times such as parties or football games, but generally Grizz was not some big sweeping gestures in front of the whole school type like some people might have liked. So, big for him was probably a little above average for someone else. However, when Grizz attempted something big, most people were courteous enough to understand the action in relativity to Grizz himself, meaning that his promposal was enough to make Carla forgive him. 

He had spent a night planning it. That and staring at his previous text that had been left unanswered. He felt guilty every time he looked at it. He wasn’t enough for Carla, he knew that. He tried. She was really nice and really pretty. He wanted to be enough for her. He could barely admit it to himself, but somewhere deep down he knew he would never be quite… right. He would never be enough for Carla or any girl. Try as he might, he just couldn’t invest himself as much as he or anyone else needed him to. Maybe all that shit with Sam was just Grizz acting out in confusion, mistaking some other issues as feelings towards the boy, but maybe there was some truth to them. Not that Grizz was gay, he couldn’t be gay, but that he just couldn’t be with a girl the way all his friends could. The way all his classmates even. He was alone in that. Because he really couldn’t hide that disgust he felt when he slept with a girl. He figured he would feel that with a man too. He wasn’t gay. He was alone.

Maybe he should have been able to explain what the promposal was. Maybe he should have been able to look back on it long enough to know it. He had planned it himself, he had gone through with it himself, but when he looked back his head jerked away from the thought. He couldn’t focus on the whole event. Instead, all his mind went to was the sight, glancing out of the corner of his eye, to make sure that one redheaded boy had been watching. Why, he didn’t know, but he needed him to have seen.


	4. Too many colors, enough to drive all of us insane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prom shit.

Grizz stared at himself in the mirror. The longer he looked the weirder his skin seemed to cling to his bones. All wrong. The paleness of it in the bathroom light looked sickly as he felt. The freckles across his face were all faint enough that it only added to his ill appearance. His dull brown hair felt too long. It had always been longer than his friends, but now he wondered if it was out of place, just another separation he had put upon himself. His eyes looked glazed over and his mouth tilted downwards-all in all he looked absolutely miserable.

He shouldn’t have agreed to this. Fuck, he never should have asked Carla to go. He never should have asked her out. He never should have danced with her at that party a month and a half ago. He just couldn’t do it. 

He wasn’t good enough. Not for Carla, not for Luke, or his parents, hell, even Clark and Jason. At least Clark and Jason were themselves, maybe they were too simple to be anything but, however that didn’t mean Grizz was excusable. He was a liar. He was a coward. He wasn’t a football player, he wasn’t a boyfirend, he wasn’t some fucking philosophofist. And he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t walk out of the house in his blazer and bowtie, or get into Jason’s car and pick up Carla. He couldn’t look at her in her dress and find himself at a loss for words at how wonderful she looked. He couldn’t hold the door open for her as she stepped into the car. He couldn’t walk through the front doors with her arm linked around his and dance happily all night to shitty music, only to kiss to a slow song, like some romantic movie. Grizz couldn’t. Couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t.

“Grizz,” his father tapped lightly on the bathroom door, “Jason is here.”

“Grizz cursed under his breath, before informing his father he would be out in a moment. He took one last look at the grotesque figure standing before him in the mirror, swallowing heavily, as if he could just swallow the bad taste his own reflection left. Deep breaths, psyching himself up like he was about to run out onto the football field to play in front of everyone. Then, he was gone, out the door, and forcing himself into the back of Jason’s car. He was greeted with a fistbump from Jason, wearing a pinkish shirt with a red vest, his usually messy black hair slicked back with the help of a gratuitous amount of gell. Erika smiled at Grizz from where she sat in the passenger seat. She wore a white dress with, what Grizz guessed was a cherry blossom tree decorating it. Her curly brown hair was pulled back, revealing large earrings that hung to her shoulders. The two of them looked like a real couple-they  _ were _ a real couple-and Grizz couldn’t help but feel jealous. 

They drove off towards Carla’s house, which was all the way on the other side of town. Grizz would have complained that he hadn’t been picked up first, as he and Jason lived closer than Jason and Erika, but he couldn’t really be bothered at that time. Sure, Erika was on the way to Carla’s so really Jason was just driving in a loop unnecessarily, but Grizz didn’t care. He noticed it, because any other night, the smartass side of his brain that enjoyed playfully poking at his friend’s simple mistakes would have pointed it out to him as yet another target, and in some attempt at normalcy that night, it had done so. Grizz just wasn’t feeling it. Honestly, he thought he would rather puke than go through with this, though the way his stomach was flipping over itself the last hour, he might.

He battled the nauseous waves through the ride as his friend chatted with his girlfriend, unaware of the turmoil Grizz was suffering through. Hunched in the back seat, leg bouncing with such panicked force, it could have knocked the floor of the car out. Half of Grizz felt relief at the pair’s oblivion, and the other half felt frustrated that they weren’t paying attention to him when they should so clearly see that he wasn’t okay. Like they should look at him and know all of the awful things swimming under his skin. But of course, Jason was an idiot. When they reached Carla’s driveway, he turned to Grizz expectantly, waiting for him to get out of the car and get his girlfriend from her house. When he saw Grizz, he either didn’t notice the sheen of sweat coating Grizz’s skin, or he assumed it was regular nerves. Just simple anxieties around prom and how it would go, not Grizz’s entire body collapsing in on itself. But what was he to do, aside from haul himself out of the car and find his way to Carla’s front door?

He knocked, and his head was ringing when Carla appeared from behind the door, smiling brightly. Grizz wanted to say something, he knew he should, but all he could do was stand there as Carla’s parents oggled them, taking pictures and talking excitedly. It reminded him vaguely of the scene from Spider-man: Homecoming, where Peter is picking up Liz. Only Peter’s worries stemmed from the fact that Liz’s father was the villian he had been chasing the whole movie. Grizz’s were far more irrational and far less tangible. 

When Carla’s parents finally released the two, he breathed out a polite goodbye, before leading his girlfriend to Jason’s car, holding the door open for her, just like any good (and real) boyfriend would. All four piled into the car, they finally began heading towards the main event, prom. All Grizz had to do was make it through prom. He told himself that again and again, like he did before when he would have sex with girls. “This was not sex. This was not sex. This was not sex”. And it kind of meant the same thing. To serve as a reminder that Grizz would get through this. It’ll stop. For the first time since being with Carla, Grizz felt he really needed to remember that. He could get by with just hanging out and talking. That was easy, he could do it with anyone, and given that Carla was decent talk, he really was more than willing to do that stuff with her. Even making out with Carla was bearable. Maybe not some incredible experience, nothing he could ever get worked up about, but it wasn’t terrible. But this, this was too much for Grizz. He knew that. Prom was big, even junior prom, because it was still prom. He was taking this girl to prom.

“Grizz?” Carla gave a faint tap on his shoulder, “Babe, you alright?”

Babe. Fuck. “Yeah,” Grizz nodded, and he knew she hadn’t bought it. He knew his desperation was seeping through his voice.

“You sure? You look like you’re gonna be sick,” Carla fussed. 

“I’m sure. Don’t worry about it.” She backed down, though reluctantly, turning to Jason and Erika and joining their buzzing about prom. Prom, prom, prom.

When they got there, Grizz wasn’t even sure it was real. He thought maybe he had passed out at some point and was having some fever dream about it. He just refused to believe he was living through the real thing. It really just felt as if he were in some alternate dimension, moving a little out of sink with everyone else. 

The four teens all stepped out of the car, both boys linking arms with their respective dates, before heading into the building where the dance would take place. Grizz had trouble taking it all in, all his classmates moving around him and filling the space he wasn’t even convinced was there. Everyone was with someone it seemed, and even though Grizz had his group, every time they passed another he felt jealous he wasn’t a part of that one. Like, he just wanted to get out. Get out of his group, of the town, of his own skin and his own skull. He just wanted to be someone else at that moment. He wished he could be enjoying someone else’s prom. Instead, he was stuck gathering at a table decorated in shiny space-themed shit as all his friends and their dates settled in around him, making jokes that he just felt a million miles away from. His fucking group.

“Look who’s all dressed up,” Clark teased, being the first to really address Grizz all night. In the car and the greetings, most people had interpreted his silence as some bomb that they didn’t want to set off, so they left it be. 

Grizz laughed humorously as Clark tugged at his brown patterned bow tie. He knew his outfit wasn’t amazing, a green shirt with a corduroy jacket and a bow tie, but he threw it together last minute with things he found in the attic. He didn’t own any nice clothes himself, and his dad’s were all far too expensive for him to be allowed to even look at them. He wasn’t allowed to look at most of his dad’s things. So instead, he ended up digging through the attic and putting together the look he now sported. He knew it was kind of ridiculous, but he really just wasn’t in the mood to joke at the moment.

“Wait, wait, wait, hold up,” Clark continued, bolting up from his seat. Everyone stared after him in confusion for a minute, before he came rushing back into the room, clutching a pair of sunglasses. “Here, complete the look,” He said, handing the glasses to Grizz, who took them and followed suit. He was sure he looked like a complete douche. Whatever.

“Did you run all the way out to your car to get those?” Gwen asked Clark disbelievingly. As if getting the glasses were a waste of time or something.

“Babe, I said, it completes the looks,” he defended.

The two continued bickering. They did that a lot. Gwen never seemed all that keen on putting up with Clark’s dumbassery, and Grizz always found himself surprised they had lasted as long as they had. Still, he would bet money that they’d break up before graduation next year.

“I like your glasses,” Carla said quietly, “Very classy.”

“Well thank you,” Grizz replied, doing his best imitation of whatever a classy person sounded like. Probably just some rich old white man from New England. At least he was trying to be more upbeat, at least for his girlfriend. The way he figured it, he may have been absolutely miserable, but he didn’t have to make Carla miserable too. After all, he was only here because of her. It wasn’t his night, it was hers.

***

Well, after a couple of sips from the flask Clark had snuck in, as well as a few drinks of spiked punch, Grizz was beginning to feel like it was his night too. He wasn’t very drunk, it was a school dance afterall, and only so much booze could really be snuck in, but he was comfortably buzzed. He felt much more at ease. He was able to chat with his friends mindlessly once more, and felt good enough to go out onto the dance floor with Carla, showcasing his incredible lack of dance moves outside of enthusiastically bobbing his head so his hair covered his face and his sunglasses nearly went flying. (You’d think the tap classes he had taken when he was younger would have given Grizz some edge. You’d be wrong). He was also able to do the stupid dance he and his friends did at every school event. All in all, he was feeling more enthused. A change of heart, if you will. 

When Luke invited Grizz outback for a joint, he agreed happily, telling Carla he was going to the bathroom. He didn’t mind that it wasn’t all that believable. 

Once they got outside, Luke pulled out the joint and a lighter. Once lit, Luke took a pull before passing it to Grizz. They carried on like that for a bit, making small talk. It was normal, and pleasant, and the way the cool air contrasted from the muggy inside made Grizz’s skin feel minty, whatever that meant. He didn’t have the clearest head.

“So, you’re feeling better?” Luke questioned at one point. Grizz nodded, handing the joint back to Luke. “That’s good. You were kinda scaring me earlier.”

“Scaring you?” Grizz laughed.

“I dunno man. You’ve been weird for like, a while. And tonight you just looked…” Luke cut himself off, chewing the inside of his cheek, as he if he was still debating whether or not to finish,

“Looked what, man?” Grizz pressed.

“You just looked like you weren’t doing too well,” Luke sighed, “I was just sorta worried you’d, like, do something.”

“What, like kill myself?” It was stupid. Sure Grizz was a little out of it, but he wouldn’t have done something that drastic. Luke had to have known that. He wasn’t going to off himself. That wasn’t Grizz. He was always a little distant, that’s what his friends always said. Why was this any different? Because this time he was a little down instead of his usual apathy? A little down didn’t mean suicide. Luke should know him better.

Luke didn’t say anything in protest however, instead focusing on the roach between his fingers, before dropping it to the ground and stomping on it.

“Lets head back in.” Luke patted Grizz on the shoulder, and the two walked back inside. Once there, Luke went off to find Helena. Grizz scanned the crowd for Carla, however his eyes landed on something else. He should have moved on, kept looking for his date, but in his haizey state, he didn’t think to do that. Instead, he found his legs dragging him to where Sam sat all alone, no Becca anywhere in sight.

He sat down in the seat next to him, waving a bit to get the boy’s attention. Once he had it, he smiled. “Hey.”

“What?” Sam asked irritably. Grizz wasn’t sure what he had done to warrant hat. If maybe he was high enough where he had done something to offend Sam without even realizing, or maybe the annoyance wasn’t actually targeted at him.

“Just wanted to say hi,” Grizz shrugged.

“Ok.”

“Where’s Becca?” Grizz asked, trying to make conversation. He wasn’t really sure what to talk about, but apparently that was the wrong thing, because Sam’s face immediately dropped.

“That isn’t your business,” he snapped.

“Oh, sorry,” he rushed, trying to work his brain around everything going on, but with all the loud sounds of music and people, mixed with the odd lighting, weed, alcohol, and an odd little flutter in his chest, he was moving a little slower than usual. At more of a Clark pase.

“Sorry,” he repeated.

Sam frowned, but he didn’t protest Grizz’s apology.

In yet another attempt at conversation, while avoiding the apparent sore spot that seemed to be what majorly stuck out to Grizz in this situation, Grizz tried the only other thing he could think of. Thing is, he didn’t actually know how to speak sign, so that plan was flawed. All he knew how to say was “bullshit”. Against his better judgement-something that consistently seemed to fail around Sam-Grizz signed exactly that.

“What?” Sam looked, to say the least, not very amused.

“It’s the only sign I know,” Grizz explained, hoping that might somehow, magically clear the air. It didn’t, because just when Grizz started to get his spirits up again, some great force came crashing down on him to remind him that he was not so lucky.

Sam just frowned again, before turning away. Without Sam looking at him, any further hope of speaking was entirely pointless. Grizz sank back in his chair dejectedly. He didn’t leave though, some part of his brain telling him that Sam would turn around and he could try to make amends. Had he left, he would have missed Campbell, Sam’s brother, walk by. Campbell had always given Grizz an odd vibe. He didn’t know what it was about the kid, but there was just something… empty about everything he did. Cold and empty. 

He stopped in front of Sam, signing something. Grizz understood none of it, but could gage from Sam’s reaction that it wasn’t good. Campbell seemed to notice Sam’s disdain as well, as he smirked at his brother, before leaving. Grizz was about to follow him-not that he really knew what he would do, just that he had to do something-when Carla appeared behind him.  
“Grizz!” She called, “Where have you been? You went to the bathroom like, fifteen minutes ago!”

Grizz, upon seeing his girlfriend, descended back into his previous panic. It felt out of nowhere, but at the same time, all the thoughts that came flooding into his head at her arrival all seemed appropriate. Because seeing her reminded him of all his lying, all his cowardice. He couldn’t admit who he was. He couldn’t be who anyone needed. It reminded him that Sam hated him, because if Sam didn’t hate him then maybe he wouldn’t be here, feeling all this. It was like Carla, as great as she could be, just symbolized everything Grizz hated about himself. He couldn’t handle it anymore.

“I have to go.”

“What?” Carla’s brows furrowed in confusion, like maybe she had heard him wrong, his words being garbled through the heavy bass that rang through the room. Or like she had heard Grizz, but needed an explanation for his sudden mood change. He didn’t have a fucking explanation. He just had to go.

“I’m sorry,” he said, before turning to leave. He thought he heard Carla call after him, but he couldn’t stop. He just had to get out. He pushed through dancing couples, rushing to the exit. He heard Allie shout some greeting to him, but he kept going with barely more than a nod in her direction. Outside, surrounded by cars, he realized he had no ride home without Jason, so he ran. His house was a decent distance away from the venue, and he wasn’t sure how long it took him to run, but his body felt overcharged, with nervous energy stored up in his muscles, making the whole thing a blur. All he could see was his feet against dark pavement and the color blue. Everything was blue from the night and it all looked strange, and his head throbbed as he ran. At some point, he felt tears falling down his face, hot and thick. 

He practically crashed through his front door, and stumbled up the stairs to his room, collapsing on his bed. He was thankful his parents went to bed early, or they would have heard. Even if they had, they probably wouldn’t have done anything about it. They never did. They were barely home. They barely spoke to Grizz. But that was good. He wanted to be alone.

***

Sam didn’t know why Grizz kept doing these things. He assumed he was making fun of him, signing “bullshit” and stumbling across his words. Grizz’s friends would definitely make fun of him, so why wouldn’t Grizz. Despite his reputation, he was still friends with Clark and Jason. Didn’t that say more about him than the word of high school students?

Or, maybe Grizz was just uncomfortable with him. Cause he was deaf, or maybe gay. That didn’t make it better though. He was just Sam, just a normal person, he hated how everyone gawked at him. It wasn’t okay. Maybe he couldn’t exactly blame them for their ignorance but it fucking sucked. He was sick of it, and he was sick of Grizz Visser constantly being a massive dick everytime he approached him.

At the end of the day, Sam didn’t know what Grizz’s weird behavior was really about, but he knew that it was weird and he knew that he didn’t like it.

***

A little after prom had officially ended, Luke stopped by Grizz’s house. He knocked on his bedroom door, but Grizz didn’t reply. He knew his voice would be hoarse from crying and he didn’t want anyone to hear it. He just didn’t want to talk. He had pretty much exhausted himself, and he was mostly done crying, just a few sniffles every now and then and an unsteady, dying stream of tears that were starting to dry on his face.

“Grizz,” Luke said through the door, “Carla said you left. You okay?”

Grizz didn’t speak.

“Grizz, I’m coming in, okay?”

Nothing. 

Luke pushed open the door, stopping in his tracks upon seeing the teary eyed boy, laying limply across the bed.

“What’s up, man?” He asked, concerned.

Grizz just shook his head. He really didn’t feel up to using his voice.

“Is this, like, a thing?” Luke gestured vaguely, “You being all sad?”

Nothing.

“C’mon, man, talk to me. You know you can talk to me.” Luke demanded.

Still nothing.

“Fuck!” He exclaimed, frustrated, “Grizz, I wanna help you out, buddy, I really do, but I have no fucking clue what to do.”

Nothing.  
“Fuck, can you just say something?”

Luke stilled, sighing and shaking his head.

“Fine. I’ll see you later, okay? We can talk then,” and with that, Luke left. Grizz was alone again. He wanted to call out for Luke, ask him to come back and just sit with him in silence. Or to pour his guts out. But he didn’t. He just sat there, nearly dead to the world, waiting to be heard. He knew he wouldn’t be.


	5. Get a load of this monster, he doesn't know how to communicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz catches a goddamn break.

Grizz had fallen asleep early into the morning, and slept through most of the next day. He woke up around six, disoriented and hollow. Everything was a little bit too dark, with that evening golden glow. Not something to wake up to. And the night of crying and hurting had taken some toll on Grizz’s body and brain, like everything was too light and his stomach was emptied and aching. He laid in his bed, eyes staring blankly at his wall. His face seemed drawn tightly into one blank expression that he couldn’t bring himself to lift. Instead, he just was, wrapped up in a cocoon of cover, hair hanging down and tickling his cheek. He barely had it in him to shift his arm and grab his phone off it’s place on the nightstand where it charged. A few texts from Clark and Jason asking why he ditched and whether or not he’d be down to hang out on Sunday. One from Allie, just saying hi. A fuck ton from Carla, all somewhere between concern and anger with his behavior at prom. None from Luke. Grizz sighed, shutting off his phone. He didn’t want to talk to anyone.

He drifted back off to sleep, which was honestly a miracle. Grizz was never much of a sleeper. When he was a kid, he refused to take naps. He just physically couldn’t. Now, he barely even slept at night. He never found himself missing the sleep all that much. Five hours a night was enough. Plus, sleeping always made him feel uncomfortably claustrophobic, like their was cotton being stuffed down his throat. He’d rather stay up than face the painfully long hours he would spend, all too conscious for good sleep, all too awake to be conscious. Just that awful middle ground. Now, Grizz found himself unbearably tired. Like there was nothing better to do than to drown himself in his blankets. 

He woke up again on Sunday, a little less foggy. Some energy had been regained, enough to at least text his friends back. He hadn’t gotten any new messages since the last time he checked. He replied to Allie with a simple ‘hey’. He then told Jason and Clark he had felt sick and left, then saying he’d be alright hanging out later that day-he felt he needed to get out of the house, some distraction from the heavy weight in his chest maybe. He didn’t text Carla back.

Grizz hauled himself out of his bed and trudged to the bathroom. After two days of not showering, Grizz felt like his skin was crawling and caked with dirt. In reality he was probably a bit ripe at best, but with all his emotional strain, he really just needed a hot shower to reset everything. Hot water beating down on his head and shoulders woke him up a bit more, so that when he looked at himself in the mirror, he at least recognized himself to some degree. Better than prom night.

He finished up in the bathroom, heading back to his bedroom and throwing on his clothes. The first T-shirt he found, along with sweatpants and a sweatshirt. He hated leaving his house without a sweatshirt, even in early June when the sun beat down on him at all hours. He just felt safer. 

He had gotten a text back from Jason, telling him to come over to his house whenever and that Clark and Luke were already there. Grizz felt a little tug in his chest at that, as if his friends were together without him. It shouldn’t bother him, he would hang out with people without them, and he always complained about how easy it was to get sick of them, yet all his aches seemed to stem into this extreme loneliness. The thought of being left out by anyone was almost heartbreaking to him. He understood his friends didn’t see things like this the way Grizz did, and he knew he had woken up late, so it was likely they were together when he texted, but fuck, he just couldn’t help but feel like everything life threw at him was meant to hurt at this point. He missed when he hadn’t felt that way. Mere months ago, when nothing seemed so big, and though he itched to get out of West Ham and move on to something bigger-some _ one _ bigger-he was still complacently going with the flow of high school life. Suddenly everything was just bad.

Bad was such a simple word, and Grizz hated that, but it got the point done.

He brushed all that to the side of his mind. He didn’t want to deal with all that heavy shit. He wanted to go back to the way things were. So, he made his way downstairs, out of his house, and down the street to Jason’s. He wanted to get his mind off things as soon as fucking possible. Even though pieces of him begged to stay  buried under his bed covers, he needed to cope however he fucking could. Honestly, the way he was feeling, if someone offered him fucking crack or something, he figured he would decline a little bit too slowly. He’d consider anything. He was desperate enough.

He entered Jason’s house without knocking. He didn’t have to, all his friends pretty much lived at each other’s houses as much as their own. In a town where almost everyone is some big shot lawyer, kids had pretty free roam of the town. Curfews and such were almost non existent. It was almost run by the kids at this point. Adults were out of town so much they could barely call it home. But it was nice for irresponsible teenagers who wanted to get fucked. Grizz and his friends definitely fit that category.

“There’s the motherfucker!” Jason called when he saw Grizz. He was sprawled across his mom’s leather couch, beer bottle in hand and a maltipoo sat across his lap. Clarke was laying next to him, feet hanging off the arm of the couch, and Luke was occupying the matching leather chair a few feet away.

Grizz sat down on the floor-there were no other seats left with Jason and Clark hogging the couch-accepting the beer that he was offered, downing as much as he could in a sip.

“Wow,” Clark commented, “Grizz what’s eating you?”

“Just want a drink,” he shrugged in response.

“You look like hell man,” Jason pointed out. Grizz could figure that much, he felt like hell.

“Sick.”

“You feeling better now?” Luke asked. He sounded genuinely concerned. Well, after all, he was the only one who knew Grizz hadn’t really been ‘sick’. He probably thought Grizz was really suicidal or something. Fuck, Grizz knew he wasn’t in a great place but he really wished that wasn’t equivelant to suicidal for his friend. He really wasn’t.

“Yeah,” Grizz nodded, “Yeah, I’m feeling better.”  
“You talked to Carla?” Clark asked then, “She was pretty fucking pissed. Like, I don’t think Gwen’s ever been that pissed at me, man.”  
“Yeah, I swear, when I told her I didn’t know where you went, I thought she’s slit my fucking throat,” Jason added.

“I haven’t talked to her,” Grizz admitted. He knew he should. He just couldn’t. He felt really bad, but talking to her right now felt wrong. He couldn’t get that thought from his head. Carla was everything Grizz hated about himself.

“Bro, why? Waiting just makes it worse,” Clark advised.

“Maybe this is what my dream was about,” Luke muttered absentmindedly, “Maybe this is when she kills you.”

“She isn’t gonna kill me,” Grizz sighed. Jason gave him a “whatever you say” face. God, he forgot how fucking dumb his friends could be.

“She’s seriously pissed,” Clark said, like he was trying to convince Grizz that his girlfriend was actually trying to kill him.

“Whatever. I’ll deal with it later.”  
“Is this about Becca? Is that why you keep sabotaging your relationship?” Clark, the bastard, pushed. Fuck, Grizz really wished his friends would stay out of his love life.

“No.”

“You sure?”

“Yes. Fuck, I’m sure.”

“The heart wants what the heart wants, Grizz,” Jason stated sagely.

“My heart doesn’t want Becca.”

“Does it want Carla?” Jason question, and Grizz was fucking done.  
“Does your heart want Erika?” He spat back.  
“Dude, obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t put up with all her dumb girly shit.”

“And I put up with Carla’s shit,” Grizz rationed, “So my heart fucking wants her or whatever the fuck.”

“More like she puts up with your shit,” Clark argued, “It’s obvious you’re not into her.”

“Jesus, just leave me and my relationship alone,” Grizz groaned.

“Fine. I’ll just give Lukey shit then,” Clark smiled. Luke tried to protest, but it was all in vain. Clark was a first class dick. “Oh what, for once in your life you  _ don’t _ want to gush about Helena?” He teased.

“You don’t understand love,” Luke replied, “You can’t shit on it.”

“Watch me.”

“No.”

“C’mon,” Jason pleaded, “Give us that sweet mushy talk. Write some fucking sonnet about how much you love your girlfriend so we can make fun of it. It’s all I have at this point man. I’m gonna be working at a McDonald’s drive through this summer, give me something!”

“Fuck you guys, fine,” Luke gave in with a sigh, “Fuck, I don’t know. She’s just great ya know? Like, she sees in me who I can be, not just the dude I think I am. When someone sees you like that, you want them looking at you forever.”

Clark and Jason cracked up, making fake gagging noises to Luke’s wax poetic. Yeah, it was cheesy and fucking stupid, but for some reason, it struck a chord in Grizz. All he could think of was, no one was ever going to see him that way. No one he would want to at least. Tears pricked his eyes again. But the fondness of Luke’s voice when he spoke about Helena, and the pure love in his eyes, fuck, Grizz wanted that. He wanted it so bad it hurt. He hated how lonely he always fucking felt. Alone underwater… Sam had been underwater with him though, hadn’t he. He just had to make him notice. He didn’t know how he would, he didn’t know if he even could. He knew he had tied himself up and tangled the chord impossibly. He was so fucking stuck. He wasn’t sure he could really let himself do this, but he had to. Sam had to notice or Grizz would drown.

He stood up without a word, and right back to the front door he went. He had been there less than an hour, but this new goal seemed worlds more important.

“Grizz, where the fuck you going?” Jason called after him.

“Gotta go,” he explained simply. He knew his friends wanted some elebortation, but fuck it, he would be that vague dick. He didn’t want to pour his heart out to his friends right at that moment. 

***

Grizz had gone and picked up the first book on sign language he could find in the town library. He could have used his computer, it would have been much easier, no digging through pages looking for the correct phrase, but for some reason Grizz felt better using the book. 

it was the searching that gave him some satisfaction, or the reliability of a tangible book, instead of an online database that anyone could have written, qualifications be damned. Or, maybe Grizz was just a masochist. Either way, Grizz had immersed himself in the book for hours, learning and perfecting each sign. He wanted Sam to see the work he put in. He knew Sam could read lips, but he wanted to make an effort to really communicate with the boy. No one in school, bar Sam’s friends and brother, could speak in sign with him. That seemed wrong. Sam shouldn’t always have to accommodate other people when it was harder on him, and no way would Grizz add to the boy’s problems. He had read that lip reading only worked about thirty to forty-five percent of the time. He didn’t want Sam missing out. Grizz wanted to be there for Sam. He wanted him to look at him in that way Luke had talked about. He wanted to really know Sam, and for Sam to really know him, and what better way to do that than to learn his language?

Once he had memorized all he wanted to say, as well as a few extra phrases he thought would be helpful, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t want to wait until Monday to talk to Sam. He needed to do it now. He couldn’t wait those fifteen hours until he would be in school to see him again. It was like when he was a kid, waiting for people to arrive for his birthday party, and nothing was happening quick enough. He was just sat at the window, hours before anyone should have been arriving, giddy with excitement as he waited for the cars to pull in. Except now, that window was more just Grizz’s thoughts. Going over in his head as many times as he could how the interaction with Sam would go. 

He would walk up to him and sign each word to him perfectly. He would convince Sam to give him a chance, and the two boys would blush and stare at each other.

Then, Grizz would ask him on a date. Sam would say yes, and after school, they’d go to Cottage Restaurant and share ice cream.

Fuck this was cheesy. Grizz didn’t know what he was doing. He just hated all this sitting idly, wasting time that he should be spending do pretty much anything else. Anything should be more important that this.

He tried to busy himself with TV, but everything on Netflix looked bland. He ended up watching the Great British Bake Off. About the only quality television you could find nowadays. He made it through a few episodes, before he got hungry. He made himself a sandwich. The fridge was mostly void of any actual food-just mustard and yogurt that no one was every going to eat-so the sandwich wasn’t very good. It was just food. Disappointing in contrast with what even the worst contestants on his TV screen could produce. He couldn’t be bothered by that inferiority though, he was still worked up about Sam. Fuck, his head was spinning. He didn’t really know where he was.

He had convinced himself everything he felt towards Sam was just misguided confusion manifesting as some fixation, nothing more. He told himself that Carla was right for him, that he could be happy with her, or with someone like her. He wasn’t gay, he was just picky. But then, when it all got down to it, Grizz realized that, no, he couldn’t be there for Carla or any other girl. He just wasn’t wired that way. He wasn’t wired for guys either though, he was just alone. But now, the way he felt thinking of Sam, thinking of what Luke had said. Shit, he really didn’t know. He wanted it so bad, and every time he thought of it, his mind jumped to Sam, whether he wanted it to or not. He felt something for Sam. He had to accept that. He didn’t want to. Everything he knew about feeling the way he did sounded hard and painful and not worth the effort. Being gay wasn’t something Grizz wanted to face. Before, back when the crushing reality of how absolutely terrified of coming out Grizz was, had yet to hit him, he thought he would just do it in college. But with all his thoughts to himself, they were given space to stir and settle and worm their way into all the crevices of his mind that housed his anxieties. He felt less and less okay with himself the more he had time to pick apart ‘gay’. He was. He knew that. He always had, but something in him had refused to say it. He had to face it now. He wanted to. Or, he wanted Sam. But that went hand in hand.

“I’m gay,” he muttered to himself hoarsly, because no one was home to hear him. He had to say it. To someone. To himself at least.

***

Grizz had wanted to talk to Sam the second he stepped foot in the school. He thought about waiting by his locker, but then he saw him with Becca and his what little confidence he had built up faltered. He and Becca had gone to prom together. He had completely forgotten that, and he wasn’t sure if it would affect his whole plan. Sam was supposed to be gay and he hadn’t been with Becca when Grizz had spoken to him. But they were together now. 

Later, he tried to collect himself again. He went out behind the school during lunch to smoke with Allie, hoping that a little bit of weed would ease him back into the mindset he needed. He needed to be calm, to show Sam that he wasn’t… whatever it was Sam seemed to hate about him. 

Once he headed back in, ready to talk to Sam, he was immediately swept up by his friends. They carried him off to their table in the cafeteria, explaining to him their decision to rebrand their group as “The Guard”. Grizz couldn’t care less, he was more preoccupied trying to find a way to get The Guard to release him so he could go and find Sam. The longer he sat on this, the more anxious he felt about it all. He just wanted to do it. But of course, his friends meaningless chatter came first.

He was beginning to feel like he should just give up. Sam hated him, and he couldn’t seem to do anything. Before, everytime he had spoken to sam it just seemed to make matters worse, why would this time be any different? He wasn’t going to change Sam’s mind. Maybe all the interruptions that pulled him away from Sam were like some second chance to think about what he was going to do. To reconsider. 

That all went out the window in science class. Grizz kept glancing over at the other boy. The more he looked the more he realized that, sure, maybe it would all go to shit and Sam would despise him. But he had to take that chance. He needed to at least try. He wanted Sam. Fuck, he had had crushes before, but Sam was different. Sam was beautiful. And Grizz didn’t know him all that well, he couldn’t understand much of what Sam said when he signed and they hadn’t talked all that much aside from the few occasions of Grizz babbling to an unimpressed Sam. But he knew Sam was nice. He could tell. Sam was polite to people when he did talk to them, Grizz had noticed that. He was funny. He always saw Becca laughing when the two were together. Sam would sign something and Becca’s cold exterior would break as she grinned at her friend. Sam was really smart, too. When they had done the lab together, Sam had pretty much taken charge. Of course, Grizz hadn’t been paying much attention, so it was no miracle that Sam understood the content better, but still. He seemed so natural when he spoke about science. Grizz didn’t know all that much about Sam, but from the little glimpses of the boy that he got, he was desperate for more. He was desperate to know every small detail that Sam would give him.

He packed up his bags when the bell rang, hoping out of his seat as quickly as he could. He didn’t need to get anything from his locker, but he stopped there anyway, just to give him one more chance to get himself together. A couple of deep breaths and running over the hand motions in his head, and then he turned. He scanned the hallway for Sam and he could see him walking out towards the front doors. He rushed after him, knocking into people and shouting apologies behind him. The crowd of students all hurrying to leave the school and get home slowed Grizz down a fair amount, and he had difficulty keeping track of where Sam was heading, so he didn’t catch up to him until the two had reached the parking lot.

He was about to call out Sam’s name when he remembered that wouldn’t do a lot of good. Instead, he jogged up beside Sam, waving at him a bit. He caught Sam’s attention pretty quickly, and the other boy stopped walking, turning to face him. He looked up at Grizz with a bored look, like he wanted Grizz to just spit it out and leave.

“Uh, hi,” Grizz greeted awkwardly.

“Hi?” Sam said back cautiously. He didn’t trust Grizz. He could see that. The way he was eyeing him, like Grizz was about to call him a fag or something. Maybe that’s why he was so weary of Grizz. Maybe he thought Grizz was just another asshole football player, always ready to give him shit. 

“Um,” Grizz breathed in, before he began to move his hands in the, now familiar, motions. He went through each, carefully running through his head to make sure he didn’t miss any, and making sure each sign was clear. When he finished, Sam looked confused to say the least. “No?”

“What was that supposed to be?” Sam asked, hardly sounding amused. Shit.

“You didn’t understand that?” Grizz questioned.

“Was I supposed to?” Shit, Sam didn’t sound happy. He didn’t understand what Grizz had said, and he probably thought Grizz was making fun of him, and just further cementing the idea that Grizz was another asshole football player. He felt like he was drowning.

Grizz, in an attempt to explain himself, pulled his bag off his shoulder and opened it. Inside, he found the book he had taken with him, in case he needed to remember a sign, taking it from the bag and holding it up so Sam could see.

“That’s BSL,” Sam stated.  
“Yeah,” Grizz agreed.

“I use ASL,” he continued.

“Oh,” Grizz breathed, “They’re different?”.

Sam nodded.

“Shit man, I’m sorry. It was the first book I found, I didn’t know,” Grizz exclaimed, and he thought he might have seen a hint of a smile play on Sam’s lips. He felt a little more at ease.

“Why were you learning sign language?” Sam asked.

“I wanted to talk to you-or sign to you, ya know?” Grizz shrugged.

“I can read lips.”  
“I know that,” Grizz said, “But I wanted to be able to talk to you in your language.”

Sam paused, and Grizz could see him thinking. He thought this was his chance, Sam was considering him. This was when he could show Sam that he wasn’t making fun of him, he genuinely wanted to talk with him.

“Why?” Sam finally asked. Grizz took note of the sign., playing it back in his head.

“I dunno. I like you,” he admitted, “I wanna be friends. So, I figured learning sign would help, right?”

“You wanna be friends?” Sam repeated, as if Grizz was lying or something.  
“Yeah,” he confirmed, “You’re cool, I wanna be friends with you.” He wanted more than that, but he figured out and saying it would be rushing things a bit. Sam pursed his lips, and Grizz figured he still wasn’t convinced Grizz wasn’t just fucking with him. “Look, I get that I was kinda an idiot last time we talked. And the time before that I guess,” he cringed thinking back to those conversations, “I was really nervous, and I kinda embarrassed myself, but I really do like you. I wasn’t trying to be a dick or anything.”

“Why were you nervous?” Sam questioned. He said it in a way that suggested Grizz should be above ‘nervous’ or something. Like Sam wasn’t worth being nervous about. Maybe he thought that. From what Grizz gathered, Sam really did see him as a typical high school football player, and in his mind, maybe Grizz really shouldn’t be nervous about him. Well fuck that, Sam had Grizz wrong. He would make him see that.

“Why wouldn’t I be nervous?” Grizz replied. He didn’t want to say why he was nervous, not yet. He couldn’t just spill it all out in front of Sam when he had barely gotten him to start liking him. He wanted to wait.

Sam shrugged, and Grizz figured Sam didn’t want to explain himself either.

“The point is,” Grizz stated, “I like you.”

“Alright.”

“So we’re good?”

“Yeah.”

Grizz grinned.

***

Sam had been a bit offended when Grizz had first tried to sign to him. He hadn’t understood it, and he figured this was Grizz making fun of him. He could finally tell Becca he was right about Grizz. She was wrong, he wasn’t some nice football player, he was a dick just like his friends. He was probably only nice to her to get into her pants anyway.

He had been ready to turn around and get in his car, when Grizz pulled out a book, with ‘British Sign Language’ written in large letters across the front. As Grizz explained himself, Sam felt his stomach swoop a little. Grizz hadn’t been making fun of him, he had been trying to speak with him, albeit in the wrong language entirely, there was an effort there.

When Grizz had said he wanted to be friends, that he liked Sam, and that he thought he was cool, fuck, that Sam made him ‘nervous’. Sam’s heart definitely stopped for a second. It was weirdly sweet, nothing he’d expect from someone like Grizz. Yeah, he had heard about how nice Grizz could be, but he hadn’t really believed it. And this was just… almost suspicious. His defenses were up again.

“Why were you nervous?”

Grizz didn’t give him an answer. However, somehow, his ‘why wouldn’t I be?’ made Sam feel safer. He was really rethinking his position on Grizz. Maybe he actually was just a sweet guy who was a bit awkward around Sam for some reason that he seemed adamant on not explaining. When Grizz asked if they were alright-and Sam was sure that meant he wanted to know if they could be friends-Sam couldn’t help but say yes.

Grizz wasn’t who he had thought he was.


	6. Little do we know the stars welcome him...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this entire chapter was written by an incredibly tired man and isn't all that great. Just a heads up.

When Grizz and Sam first began to hang out together, it was always a bit tense. The two boys would see each other now and then, but it was weird. Not in the way it was normally weird to begin hanging out with someone new, where you go over to their house for the first time and have no idea how to behave. Should you take off your shoes? Can you sit on this piece of furniture? What rooms can you go in? What food can you eat? And then, with all those questions floating around in your head, making conversation just doesn’t come naturally and all you can say is “so what do you wanna do?”. That wasn’t why it was weird hanging out with Sam. It was weird because their still seemed to be some lingering distrust. Sam always seemed to keep Grizz at arm’s length, ready to run if Grizz decided to fuck him over. Grizz understood that, Sam had every right to be weary of him, but it still hurt. He knew Sam was holding back, but he wasn’t sure he could do anything about it. Instead, he became hyper aware of all his actions, trying to make sure everything he did was within Sam’s comfort zone. He made sure not rush anything. 

However, when summer rolled around and time freed up, Grizz decided it was time to be more bold. He had gotten Sam’s number a few weeks before school let out, but hadn’t used it all that much, usually letting Sam initiate conversations. Now, he began starting conversations, texting Sam more and inviting him to hang out. He was happy to find that Sam rarely actually declined. He was also happy to find that, the more they hung out, and the more he stuck around, the more Sam warmed up to him and began drawing closer. 

He began inviting Grizz over more regularly, as did Grizz. After a bit, the two were barely apart. Grizz was in heaven. He felt better than ever. He was finally getting close to Sam, fuck close to being himself. He had been so dissociated before, always feeling like he had lost himself, but now he was getting back together. He didn’t feel like he had to hide so much with Sam and he noticed Sam had stopped hiding so much as well. He had started talking to him about things-real things, not just trying desperately to hold a conversation. 

Sam would tell him about his favorite movies, and Grizz would talk about his favorite books and poems. Sometimes he would read them out to Sam, or lend him a copy to enjoy on his own. Sometimes they would stay up all night binging the movies Sam had (an impressive collection, really) and Sam would always fall asleep around one. Grizz always stuck through to the end, but he never woke Sam up. 

One afternoon, Grizz had insisted on teaching Sam to garden. They spent hours out in his backyard pulling up carrots from the ground and losing track of time. They talked through the whole thing about nothing, and by the time they were finished, the sun was beginning to set and the whole yard was tinted golden. They went back inside after that and Sam told Grizz about how he had gotten meningitis when he was a kid. Grizz had wanted to ask if Sam could remember any sounds from before, it was picking at his brain. If sam could remember, would that make his loss of hearing better or worse? Knowing what he had lost. He couldn’t bring himself to. He just signed ‘I’m sorry’.

Sam had been teaching Grizz sign language (specifically ASL, not BSL as there was a difference). Grizz struggled with it a bit, keeping everything straight, but he enjoyed it. He liked having purpose when he moved his hands, he liked the little moments where Sam would sign something in a conversation that Grizz would understand all on his own, and he liked being able to add signs to pieces of his own sentences.

Grizz discovered that Sam was skilled with his hands outside of signing as well. He was amazing at drawing. His bedroom walls were lined with pieces he had made. There were several drawings of Becca, and quite a few of characters from movies. Some Grizz didn’t recognize, others he knew from the movies Sam had shown him. There were a few paintings of scenery, though Sam had explained that he preferred to draw people, and generally avoided paints. Grizz thought they were beautiful, even if they weren’t Sam’s forte. He had tried to recreate one once, but had quickly discovered he couldn’t draw for shit. All of his lines were messy and felt tense. Sam’s lines all flowed naturally, and he found he preferred just watching Sam draw over any attempts himself.

One time, while Grizz had been watching Sam draw, Campbell had walked into the room. Something Grizz had noticed was that Campbell was rarely home, which he was thankful for. The kid really was… off putting. But he had been home that day. He saw the two sat together and grinned wickedly. Grizz hadn’t understood it but it made him wildly uncomfortable. Like he was being disected. He swore Campbell could look right through him with those dead eyes. But just as soon as Campbell had entered, he left, with nothing more than a middle finger tossed at his younger brother as a goodbye. Creep.

“What was that about?” Grizz had asked.

Sam had shrugged, “He just does that.”

“What’s up with him?” Sam hadn’t responded. Just shrugged again and returned to his drawing of some currently nameless profile. Grizz found that Sam didn’t like talking about Campbell. He would gloss over his presence in stories, and when asked about him, he would change the subject or outright refuse to answer. It didn’t bother Grizz all that much. He figured Sam would tell him someday. It was his business (of course, at the same time, Grizz felt there was clearly some unpleasant story with Campbell that really seemed to upset Sam and he wanted to know. He felt some protectiveness towards his friend and Campbell was setting off all sorts of alarms in his brain). There were definitely things Grizz was more interested in talking about with Sam than his fucked up brother. Thinking of him gave him an nasty twist in his stomach. It was a shame Sam had to live with him.

Sam seemed to agree, as most days Campbell was home, Grizz would find himself being dragged out somewhere by him. He said being around Campbell was like a ticking time bomb and he’d rather be anywhere else. Avoidance. Grizz couldn’t say he blamed him, and the two usually had a good time. Sometimes they would just go for walks around one of the boy’s neighborhoods, or go downtown for food. They would hang out by the lake, or the train tracks. Both were good places for teenagers to drink or smoke, and Grizz used to take the Guard there, so being with Sam was a refreshing change of pace. Unlike the guard, Sam didn’t drink enough before noon to have himself stumbling home. He was much more conscious of his sobriety, or lack thereof. More casual than competitive. Kind of easier. 

It wasn’t that Grizz didn’t like being around his friends of course, it was just different. Though, admittedly, he had found himself spending less and less time with them. He was always busy, with housework, or with the garden, but mostly with Sam. Often he would get a text from one asking if he was free, and he never was. They seemed to catch on to the pattern and mostly stopped asking, though Grizz could tell even through texts that they were a bit hurt. They may have been big masculine football players, but they were also big idiot babies who had no real idea of how to control their emotions. Clark and Jason would often just give him passive aggressive remarks to express their hurt. Luke however, would send him the occasional text asking what was up, how he was, and when he’d be free next. Grizz felt bad for ditching his friends, he really did, but he had been planning this all along, and he had never been happier.

He just needed to move forward. He wanted to be himself, and even though he wanted his friends to be apart of that, he didn’t know how they could. He just felt like a needed to start again. Like a twelve year old sending a note to a girl asking “Dear Sam, do you like Grizz? Yes or No”. That’s where Grizz had to be. A simpler time. He hadn’t gotten that, so he really did just feel like starting over and getting it right.

He was sure this was it. Being with Sam, even just as a friend, was definitely that. 

Another thing that he found being friends with Sam entailed was more time spent with Becca. That just seemed to go right along with everything. Grizz fit their dynamic nicely. Neither seemed to mind his intrusion when the three hung out together, and Grizz rediscovered his fondness towards the girl. He hadn’t spoken to her since Clark’s party, and it was nice to be able to recreate that in some way. Becca was clever and witty and the two were able to have conversations that Grizz invested himself in, not just mindlessly following along. He understood why Sam enjoyed her company so much. 

At first, he was worried maybe Sam enjoyed her company too much. After all, the two had gone to prom together. Grizz hadn’t been sure where sure where the two stood, as he thought Sam was gay but fuck if he knew. Sam didn’t talk about that with Grizz, and he didn’t ask. He didn’t think it was his business. “Hey Sam, on a scale from one to ten, how gay are you?” However, after the three had gotten together a few times, it became increasingly clear to Grizz that Becca and Sam were just friends. He never really learned why the two were at prom together, maybe they went as friends, maybe it was a one time thing, like an experiment, but either way, Grizz was glad to find it bore no real importance any more. It eased his worries a lot, and he found himself much more eager to see Becca again, knowing he had no reason to be jealous of her (He thought it was dumb to be jealous in the first place. It wasn’t his business, and he shouldn’t hold it against Becca for not considering some random guy’s unspoken feelings when going to prom with someone).

In all, Grizz was doing better than he had been in months. He felt like he really was becoming himself. Being friends with Becca and Sam was so unusual to him and it made him feel hopeful. Hopeful that he could keep up this new high streak and be normal. His head wasn’t so messy anymore. Unfortunately, despite all this, as the new school year approached, some of his old worries began to worm their way back to the forefront of his brain. The summer he could spend entirely with Sam and be entirely himself all the time. He didn’t have to let other people in, and it was like this endless breath of fresh air. He was back to that underwater state, with the gentle rocking of the waves and the calm nothingness around him and Sam was finally starting to notice his presence, that the two boys were not alone in separate spaces, but together underwater. When they went back to school, eyes would be back on Grizz. If he were to continue this, people would notice. He wasn’t ready for that. He liked the privacy of it all. People seeing him and judging him and knowing him, well it terrified him. He felt a little stuck again, though this time between two extremes. Before, he was trapped all the way at the start, trapped only by the fear of being out. Now, he had that, but he also feared the start. He didn’t want to go back, but he wasn’t ready to move forward. He wanted to stay where he was for just a little longer. It was like he was crossing a street, and he just wasn’t quite across, but a car was speeding right towards him, no sign of slowing or stopping and he had to make a decision. Would he go back to the side of the road he and started on, becoming stuck again and easasing all his progress? Or would he go to the other side of the road, the side that he didn’t know, the side that came with so many uncertainties? He needed more time to decide, but he didn’t have that.

So, when the new school year came charging at him, as he knew it would, he couldn’t make up his mind. He felt himself leaning towards familiarity.

He walked through the halls, trying to remember how all the patterns went. When to do what, where to go when. He kept looking at everyone. None of them looked any different from how he had left them. New haircuts and new glasses and new outfits, but no new people. Grizz guessed he didn’t stand out in that group. He hadn’t cut his hair or bought new clothes that summer. He was physically the same as he always had been. Maybe that was good. Some consistency in his life. Nothing new to look at.

He kept walking, mildly unsure of where he was heading, just hoping that the more he walked, the easier it would get. It didn’t, because as he walked, he was cornered by The Guard.

“Grizz,” Clark greeted, in his ‘I’m a big dominant man’ voice.

“Hey guys,” Grizz replied half heartedly. He knew that coming back to school meant avoiding his friends would become harder. He tried to avoid thinking about it, but he was mostly prepared for it to happen.

“The hell man?” Jason half shouted, skipping any formalities, “We haven’t seen you in fucking forever.”

“Yeah man, I texted you a bunch. You never replied,” Luke agreed, much more calmly than Jason. Grizz actually detected a hint of hurt in Luke’s voice masked by frustration that made him feel a bit guilty.

“I’m sorry guys,” Grizz admitted, “I was just _really_ busy this summer.”  
“What were you so damn busy with that you couldn’t even reply to a fucking text?” Clark asked. He was angry. When Clark was angry, he got loud (and on occasion violent. Grizz had only seen it directed at certain people though. People Clark really fucking hated, so he was fairly sure he wouldn’t be in any danger from the guy).

“I just had a lot to do. My parents were always on my ass with work, I had a lot of family stuff, I had to look at colleges. I had shit to do,” Grizz explained. It wasn’t entirely a lie. He did have his parents nagging him to do work around the house, and he had been looking at colleges. His family had had a few get togethers, but no more than usual. Those weren’t the things that had consumed most of his summer.

“You completely ditched us man,” Jason countered.

“I know and I’m sorry, but I really was just fuckin busy.”

“You still could have texted,” Luke muttered.

“I was barely on my phone,” Grizz said, and now he was just lying. He knew he shouldn’t. He should be honest with his friends, but he couldn’t bring himself to it. He wanted to move forward, but he really did love the guys and seeing them face to face, it was just hard to admit that he wanted to leave. “I honestly didn’t see any of your texts.”

“Really?” Clark questioned. Fuck, if Clark didn’t buy it no one would. 

Grizz nodded, “Yeah.”

“Fuck man, your parents musta been working you hard,” Jason commented.

“I mean yeah,” Grizz shrugged, “I was pretty much always on the clock. It was kinda just slave labour all summer man.”

At that point, Grizz was thankful for the lacking minds of his friends, as they looked like they were buying it. He figured complaining would do him well. What kid wants to spend all summer working on shit for his parents?

“So you weren’t just like, avoiding us?” Luke asked, and it was obvious it was what everyone had been thinking. Fuck, it was the truth. Grizz had entirely been avoiding them.

“Course not,” Grizz assured his friend, “Why would I avoid you guys? You’re my best source of free weed.”

“Yeah, alright man,” Luke chuckled. The Guard-including Grizz-walked off at that point, knowing that all was well between the members. They were a group again. Grizz didn’t know whether he was relieved to no longer have to force himself to avoid his friends, or suffocating. He had chosen to go back to the side he had started on, familiar and unmoving. Grizz was back to the start, it seemed. Fuck that.

***

Truly, fuck that. Grizz had been stewing on it all day, and fuck everything if he was going back to the start. He was sick of being miserable. He wasn’t going to flush everything he had done that summer down the toilet.

At the end of the day, Grizz didn’t meet with his friends. Instead, he headed to Sam’s locker. He hadn’t seen him all day. They didn’t have any classes together this year, and Grizz wasn’t sure if he had planned on talking to Sam in school before. Talking to him felt like letting everyone in. Everyone would see. But at that moment, Grizz didn’t really care. He needed to prove to himself that he wasn’t just going to go back to the way things were, and he was feeling a little reckless. He had to do something.

After a bit of waiting, Sam arrived at the locker.

_Hi_ , he signed. Sam had mostly stopped talking when he and Grizz had conversations together. Grizz could understand most basic words, and signing was easier for Sam than speaking.

_Hi_ , Grizz signed back, _What are you doing right now?_

_Nothing, why?_

_Wanna come over?_ Grizz asked.


	7. ...With open arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lotta POV changes

Grizz wondered if he had really thought everything through. Looking back, the only thing he actually recalled crossing his mind was something along the lines of “oh no”. He knew he couldn’t go back to the horrible suffocation he had previously experienced with the suppression of anything remotely hinting at some possible interest in men. He knew he wanted Sam. He had seemingly failed to truly connect those two ideas in his frantic rush to do anything at all about the familiar feelings looming over him, and now was left with nothing more than a vague understanding of what he was to do. What had he wanted in the moment? How was he planning to avoid starting all over again? Was he going to tell Sam he was gay-and would Sam know Grizz’s feelings towards him from that? Would he tell him how he felt? Would he act on that or stop himself at a confesion? Would Sam freak out and start hating him again? Was he going to say anything to Sam at all or did he just feel the need to be with the boy, like something to hold onto as Grizz rode through all the arising inner conflict? Grizz had not thought this through in the slightest. It made him feel unsteady, like anything could happen at any second and he wouldn’t have a plan to deal with it. He would be unprepared and lose control over everything. He was so fucking in over his head.

Still, he had to do something. Despite the anxiety that had begun forming in the back of his head, he knew that just sitting by and fucking off was going to kill him. He wasn’t about to let himself go back to that dark place again. He had been so fucking miserable. He had hated walking around school everyday terrified that every little move he made was being judged, like he was being viewed through a microscope. He hated seeing his friends and feeling guilt sink into his stomach because he knew he was hiding something from them. He hated living his life, paranoid that someone would notice him and everything around him crumble. As if his friends would call him a faggot and never speak to him again and his parents would kick him out and he’d starve on the streets and never make it to college all because of one fucking secret.

He had to get over all that. Because he had found that, since befriending Sam, he really loved living his life authentically. He liked being able to exist without the constant fear of being outed. He liked being himself. And he liked Sam. He was desperate to hold on to all of that, he needed to. But the only way he could see that happening was to pick a side. He couldn’t be both himself and not. He had to pick, and he knew that no matter how hard it was, for once in his life he wasn’t going to be a coward.

He had to get himself together before he backed out.

***

Sam always wondered what Grizz was hiding from him. He knew there was something. Before they two had gotten close, Grizz seemed weirdly skittish and wired to Sam. He would visibly tense the few times he had spoken to Sam. That, paired with the looks Grizz seemed to throw at Sam, gave Sam the impression he was sizing him up. Like he was just trying to figure him out. Maybe he was put off by Sam’s deafness or his gayness or something else he found odd. Sam didn’t know, but he knew Grizz was directing some sort of attention at Sam and Sam had learned that, being the way he was in his town, attention from people like Grizz was rarely good. Be it underhanded comments people threw his way under the assumption that he wouldn’t know because he couldn’t hear-Becca’s word was as good as hearing to Sam-or to the point insults, it was never good attention. 

However, as the boys got closer, Sam realized quickly that Grizz was in no way put off by him. He noticed it of course, when Grizz had gone out of his way to learn BSL (the wrong language but the thought was there). Grizz had no problem with Sam being deaf, and actually seemed eager to be able to speak with him in his language. And as for Sam’s sexuality, neither of the boys really commented on it. It never seemed important. But when Sam would make some offhand comment about some guy, Grizz seemed entirely unaffected by it. He didn’t seem to care about it. In general, Grizz’s behavior began to look to Sam less like discomfort and more like avoidance. Random things seemed to set him off into a state of unease, and he would quickly change the topic. Sam was never really sure what it was about the things he said that would freak Grizz out. He couldn’t detect any pattern, and while it became less frequent the more the two became comfortable with one another, the randomness of it stayed consistent.

Sam had asked about Grizz’s girlfriend once, if they had broken up, as he noticed Grizz saw little of her.

He asked him why he stopped hanging out with his friends.

He told Grizz once, thinking it was just a funny remark, that Campbell believed the two friends were dating.

He asked Grizz why he had started playing football.

He told him a story from when he and Becca had gone to prom together and Becca had freaked out after she discovered he had put alcohol in her coke.

He asked Grizz if he could draw him, because Sam liked to draw his friends and people usually begged him anyway. He figured asking would save time, right?

On and on and on. Everytime Grizz would go back to that nervous mess he had been the first time they had met, back in science class last spring. So, Sam came to the conclusion that there was something Grizz didn’t want to talk about. He got that. There were things he didn’t tell Grizz either. Like how, after the coke incident with Becca, he had tried to apologize, only for her to explain to him that she was pregnant. He had asked about the father, curious as to who his best friend was sleeping with (She would have told him, surely). She had snapped at him. She didn’t want people to know who the father was, and she made Sam swear to never ask again. And to never tell anyone she was pregnant to begin with. Of course, it turned out to be a false alarm, but Sam still felt as though he shouldn’t talk about it. Becca had really thought she was pregnant. It was an obviously upsetting experience for her, and in truth for Sam.

Grizz had asked about it of course. Sam didn’t know why at first, or even how he knew something had happened between the two on prom night. He explained, however, about how, when he had attempted to talk to Sam that night, he had found Sam alone, his date vanished. Sam had gotten mad when Grizz questioned it. Sam vaguely remembered that, though it was hazy, and he was surprised Grizz remembered so well as he was fairly high at the time. Still, he remembered it, and he asked. Sam hadn’t told Grizz the truth of what had happened though. It wasn’t for Grizz to know. And all of this was just a long way for Sam to explain to himself that he didn’t need to know what his friend was keeping from him. It just wasn’t for him to know. At least not if Grizz didn’t want it to be.

Now though, as the two drove to Grizz’s house, the question was pressing into Sam’s mind. What was he hiding? Because once again, he had that anxious, tensed vibe that he always got when Sam seemed to step too near Grizz’s secret. He didn’t know what was going on, why Grizz was so wound up when Sam hadn’t even said anything. When Grizz had asked him to hang out, he seemed almost desperate. As if Sam saying yes decided Grizz’s fate. He didn’t understand why the football player was so keen on him coming over. Hell, he wasn’t so sure why he was interested in Sam to begin with. He was a part of The Guard (a stupid name if you asked Sam, but their social status was higher than almost anyone else’s, especially Sam and anyone he hung out with). Grizz didn’t care much for social norms, Sam had learned. He fit many of them as he was-a stoner athlete who enjoyed partying and had was known to have his fair share of one night stands-but that didn’t mean Grizz followed them to the word. The ones he fit naturally were just him, not intentional. So, while Sam was a bit baffled by his liking towards him as a person, he knew it really wasn’t out of character for Grizz. He made friends with everyone.

Who knew what was up with Grizz. He was so put together most of the time, and Sam liked that about him. He was sturdy. He knew who he was and what he was doing. And yet, in situations like these, he came completely undone, as if he was a different person. It made Sam feel unpleasant. If Grizz was unsure of himself, how was Sam to be sure? He knew what he wanted and who he was, but he never felt as if he could compare to Grizz. Grizz seemed to do what he liked. He was a genuine guy. Sam was confident enough, but he had trouble trusting people, or believing they truly liked him. He was unsure and Grizz wasn’t. Who was in control when Grizz fell apart? Not Sam. And he didn’t know how to help Grizz either. It was all just a confusing mess.

***

Grizz kept running his hand through his hair. It was something to do, and he couldn’t seem to bring himself to do anything. He was stuck, staring at his bedspread as Sam sat beside him, probably waiting for him to grow the balls to do something. He was It had been way too long since Grizz had said something. The car ride to his house was silent, as it was difficult to sign while driving, and he couldn’t turn his head enough for Sam to read his lips. He had spent the ride, instead, hyping himself up for whatever was to come, only to talk himself down a second later, repeating this cycle for the entire ten minute drive. Then, once they’d arrived at the Visser household, he hadn’t been able to formulate a coherent thought, much less allow one to make it past his throat. It was like all his systems were shut down and he was running on nothing. He had managed to make it upstairs, gesturing for Sam to sit on his bed, and the two remained there in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Grizz would get rushes of adrenaline, his heart beating hard enough to make his head throb, and he would be sure,  _ this was it _ , he was going to say it. Then the moment died and nothing would escape his lips. He knew Sam was getting uncomfortable, he could feel him fidgeting beside him, but he really did feel a bit brain dead. He couldn’t even lift his eyes.

“Grizz,” Sam finally spoke up, actually using his voice. Shit, maybe that was a last resort type deal? Had Sam been trying to get his attention before? He rarely actually spoke anymore, as Grizz was able to carry a simple conversation through signing by now. Had he completely missed Sam’s attempts at communication? “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Grizz nodded, still failing to lift his head. When he realized that Sam probably couldn’t see his face, he opted to sign his response instead. He couldn’t look at Sam. He thought he might throw up.

“You sure?” Sam pressed, still speaking out loud, and Grizz felt guilty. He was being a coward again and making things more difficult for Sam. Fuck, he wanted everything to be gone. He wanted all the shit he had been worrying about the past couple months-even the past couple years-to disappear. He wanted to just tell Sam and be done with that part. Or for Sam to just already know. For it to go unspoken. Just a fact that everyone knew. Grizz was gay. No one would have to deal with his coming out, it would just out there. But that wouldn’t happen, and now Grizz had to think about what he wanted to say. He had to find the right words to tell Sam however much he was going to tell him.

“I’m gay,” was simple and to the point. It got it over with and Grizz wanted so badly to just say that. “I’m gay”. At the same time, Grizz wanted to say more because it felt like there was so much more. He wanted to explain to his friend every single thing he had been feeling since he had discovered the fact himself. All the stress about people finding out and having opinions on it. The fear that the people Grizz loved would hate him and call him disgusting and he would have to leave knowing that he had killed a relationship that he had put so much into. The loneliness he felt keeping that part of him away from everyone, and feeling like he would never have anyone to tell. He would leave for college and nothing would change and he would never get a boyfriend, or fall in love, or even kiss a guy. The guilt that lived with him because he was lying to everyone about something that maybe made a difference to people. They didn’t know a piece of Grizz that might affect their view of him, and he wouldn’t let them see it. He wanted to tell Sam all of that. He wanted someone to understand, or at the very least, be aware.

He also wanted to explain to Sam the things he felt towards him. He wanted to believe that maybe that was reciprocated, and that it would pay off. The two would confess to each other and Grizz wouldn’t be so alone. He would have Sam, the boy he had been head over heels for since freshman year. Sam, who was kind and clever and funny. Sam who could draw things that came to life and put shame to half of the subjects true state. Sam who watched movies religiously, even if they were rather shitty, and cried watching Spirited Away. Sam who talked animatedly about going to film school and getting out of West Ham. Sam who had taught Grizz sign language even though Grizz wasn’t great and it sometimes seemed like a waste of time. Grizz wanted so badly to believe that maybe Sam liked him back, and that confessing would bring that all to light. But he was afraid that it could also scare him off. That he would hate him again and that Grizz would lose Sam. 

What was he supposed to say?

“I don’t know,” he confessed, finally bringing himself to look up because he didn’t know and he needed Sam to see that. He was supposed to know. He always did. He knew what to say when all his friends were being dumbasses. He was calm and collected. When other people freaked out, he would just quote some obscure play or some old book, and people would listen even if they didn’t understand because they knew what Grizz was trying to say. Grizz was supposed to know.

_What’s_ _wrong?_ Sam asked gently.

Grizz swallowed heavily, taking a deep breath in preparation for whatever shit he was about to spew. “There’s something I want to do,” He tried to explain, though he knew he was failing to make much sense, “and I don’t know how people will react.”

_ Why do you care how other people react? _ Sam’s face showed clear confusion, like he just didn’t understand why Grizz would care about other people’s opinions.  _ Not very you, is it? _

“I think I care a lot about what people think,” Grizz stated, thinking of all the things he had done in the name of fitting in. Sure, he did a decent job on his own, but there were things he had done with the sole intention of appealing to others’ opinions. He was just as fake as anyone else. He had slept with girls, hell even dated one. He drank more than he liked. He went to parties even when he’d have rather just stayed home and slept. He was about seventy five percent authentic, but he cared a lot about that twenty five percent.

_ Everyone likes you, _ Sam shrugged light-heartedly, trying to comfort his friend,  _ I’m sure whatever you do, it won’t be as bad as you think. _

_ You don’t know that, _ Grizz signed back.

_ Well do you? It could go fine and you’re just freaking out for no reason.  _

“Or it could go really wrong,” Grizz spoke again. He wished at that moment that his hands would steady, because they shook too hard for him to properly sign to the boy, but he moved his hands along as best he could. “I don’t know if I want to take that chance.”

_ What is it?  _ Sam finally asked, and Grizz had been dreading those words. He wasn’t prepared to just outright say it. He had hoped he could just dance around it a bit longer, speaking vaguely about every important detail. But no, Sam was following his own script, completely scrapping Grizz’s plans for procrastinating until he had no other option but to face the inevitable. Sam was speeding through the whole thing, straight to the point. He wasn’t putting up with Grizz’s bullshit.

“It’s just…” Grizz would be damned if he didn’t try just a little bit longer though, “...It’s hard. To say it. Out loud. It’s not something I thought I would ever deal with. But I want to. Like, I really want to, but I have no idea what I’m doing and none of this makes sense because I’m absolutely terrified right now, and I’ve been so afraid of talking about it so I really don’t know what to do. I didn’t plan any of this enough in advance and I keep telling myself it’ll go terribly and I’ll lose everyone. I just feel like I’m about to puke-”

“Grizz,” Sam cut off his word vomit, “Slow down.”

He remembered that reading lips didn’t really work if the words all ran together as his had begun to. Instead of actual coherency, there was just an awful meld of movements that were passing by frantically and erratically as far as Sam was concerned.

He just had to push it out. Out his lungs, through his throat, and past his tongue. Or will his hands to raise and form the words he needed. He had to force himself to say it somehow.

He wasn’t even sure why he was nervous. Sam was gay. He wouldn’t care. He wouldn’t leave him or call him a faggot. So, really Grizz’s nerves seemed to be entirely centered around himself. He was the one who cared. He was the one who spent his time reminding himself that his sexuality was something he was ashamed of. Something he had to hide for fear of losing everyone he loved. He was the one who had convinced himself he couldn’t say those words. But now he wanted to. He wanted to say it.

_ I’m gay. _

_ Yeah? _

_ Yeah. _

Sam nodded.  _ Okay. _

***

So that was his secret. Grizz, the big football player who closest friends were the epitome of high school jock, who slept with girls probably more than the average straight, attractive, popular guy in high school would, who had dated Carla for almost two months and taken her to prom, that Grizz was gay and absolutely terrified.

Sam wouldn’t have guessed but it wasn’t unbelievable either. It was a bit odd at first, all the previously mentioned things considered, but once he got his head around it, it really was easy to understand. Grizz was repressed. He cared what people thought and he kept up appearances. He was as straight as he needed to be and then some. But over the summer, Sam had learned there was much more to him. He had found comfort in Sam. Maybe because he was openly gay, maybe for some other reason, but Sam had noticed that. He spent more time with him than he did with any of his old friends, who at the time he was seemingly closer with. Probably to escape the facade he had put on with them. Any time Sam had asked, Grizz had denied any falling out, but refused to go further. He was afraid of his friends. Afraid they wouldn’t accept them-and with The Guard as friends that seemed like a pretty valid fear-and he was sick of putting on an act. Grizz getting uncomfortable at Campbell’s speculation of his sexuality made sense, as well as questions about Carla. Sam still didn’t understand a lot of Grizz’s panicked moments, but he was sure they could likely all be connected back to this. Grizz was gay and terrified.

Sam didn’t know if he had a reason to be so afraid, or if he just was. Sam understood that though. He had been scared too when he had come out. West Ham was a rich town in New England, and everyone there was a hypocritical asshole who was less than likely to accept a gay kid. He was lucky enough to have his parents accept him, though wearily at first. Becca however, was quick to support him, making it clear that she was there for him and anyone who gave him shit was as good as dead. His cousins had been supportive as well, which was helpful, as Casandra was student body president. It was nice knowing someone with even the smallest amount of authority had his side. He didn’t know if Grizz had that. Support. His friends, as Sam had repeated multiple times to himself, seemed unlikely to just accept Grizz blindly, if at all. Grizz also rarely spoke about his family. They never seemed to be a big part of his life, and they were almost never home. He didn’t know how they would react, or if Grizz would care. Grizz also had a lot more attention on him than Sam did, which meant a lot more people who might not be alright with him. Sam had Campbell of course, who used Sam’s sexuality as some form of blackmail when it suited him, but it rarely did. Campbell was an asshole and the two brothers were both fairly adamant on avoiding the other. Sam knew Campbell was a fucked up person who didn’t care for him, and so it was easy to detach himself when Campbell tortured him. Grizz didn’t seem to have that. The people he knew who he was afraid of, he cared about. It was clear enough that, even if he avoided The Guard, they were close to him. If they didn’t accept him, that would hurt Grizz. He was sensitive. Sam didn’t want to see that. He wanted Grizz to have support. And Grizz had come to him, before anyone else it seemed. He was trusting Sam with something that he was absolutely petrified by. Sam was going to do his best to be Grizz’s Becca.

***

_ You don’t care? _ Grizz asked. He knew Sam wouldn’t, but for some reason he still found himself surprised that he hadn’t immediately turned on Grizz. Called him a freak, stormed out and never spoke to him again.

_ If by that you mean I don’t hate you, _ Sam said and yeah, that was what he meant,  _ then no I don’t care. But I’m here for you. _

_ Yeah? _

_ Of course. I’ll support you. You’re just gay. I was worried you were gonna tell me you were pregnant or something, _ Sam joked. He was trying to lighten the mood again. He did that a lot. But Grizz was already feeling better. Relieved. Like he was a thousand pounds lighter and he could finally breathe, albeit shaky breaths. He was better. 

He smiled slightly, mostly as some form of release. All the pressure that had been building on him was dissipating. ‘ _ I’ll support you’ _ . It was simple but it meant so much to Grizz. He hadn’t learned the sign Sam had used,  _ support _ , and his hands fumbled to mimic it. He saw a hint of a smile on Sam’s face, and with the rush Grizz had gotten from before. He wanted to go further. He wanted to be completely open. To Sam, to his friends, to the whole fucking world.

_ Can you teach me another sign? _ He asked intently and Sam nodded. Once again, the slight shyness and nervousness krept up on Grizz, but the excitement remained and he knew he could push through it easy enough. He had done it before.

He spoke this time. He didn’t know the sign, he hadn’t had a reason to learn it. “How do you say ‘kiss me’?” he breathed, looking down at his lap. He had done it, but the second waiting for some reaction was filled with pounding from his heart and blood rushing to his head. He wasn’t sure how long he waited, though he thought it was shorter than it felt, and he worried Sam wouldn’t say anything and would just leave. Instead, he felt Sam lean in and press his lips against Grizz’s.

He didn’t know what to do. Sam was kissing him. It was what he had wanted, but he hadn’t been prepared. He was a wreck. He felt Sam’s hands cup his cheek and he became aware of his own, hanging limply in front of him. He was about to move them when he realized he didn’t know what he would do with them and let them fall back into place. He didn’t know why this was so insane. He had kissed girls before, but he had never felt like this. It was incredible how different it was. And how poorly he seemed to be doing. He was just a dumb fucking idiot who had never kissed a boy before.

***

“How do you say ‘kiss me’?”

Sam hadn’t been expecting that, but he was pretty sure it was an invitation. He never thought Grizz would do that. Like before, when Sam had failed to understand why Grizz had been interested in becoming friends, Sam had failed to consider Grizz wanted anything more. Of course the nervousness and odd glances Sam knew where thrown his way all made sense and fit that idea, but he never thought it a possibility, even after Grizz had come out. He just didn’t think Grizz would like him like that. And yet, it kind of made sense. Grizz becoming an awkwards mess around Sam. Grizz being weird when Sam talked about going to prom with Becca. Grizz getting uncomfortable when Sam did some things that were maybe overly affectionate to him, like offering to draw him. It fit together. Sam was surprised, and yet he wasn’t. 

He kissed the boy beside him because he wanted to, and because Grizz wanted him to. He had accepted a while ago that he and Grizz were just friends, though he had felt a bit more than that towards the boy. How could he not? Grizz was intelligent and sweet. He cared about people and about Sam. He was also attractive as hell. He was fit from playing football, and his nose would always do this cute thing when Grizz smiled. His long hair hung over his face in a lovely way, and when he put it up Sam would swoon a bit. So yes, Sam knew he was into Grizz. Now, he knew Grizz was into him and of course he would take this opportunity.

***

It was dark out but Grizz didn’t know what time it was. His phone, as well as Sam’s, was somewhere on the floor, amidst a pile of haphazardly placed clothes. He didn’t care though. It didn’t really matter. What mattered was the person pressed against his side. They had been talking for what felt like hours and maybe it had been. They were talking about nothing, but Grizz had never felt more invested in a conversation. They talked about school, and movies. Sam talked about moving to West Ham when he was young to be closer to his family. Grizz talked about the tap class he had been in when he was a kid, but left to pursue the more manly sport of football and appease his mother. Things he had been afraid to say before. Now, everything just seemed right. Calm and stable. Like Sam and Grizz were alone underwater, completely isolated from the chaotic surface above. Just the two of them.


	8. I'll figure out a way to get us out of here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> is whipped cream a sauce? I don't know

“Bro,” Jason exclaimed, slamming his milk carton down onto the cafeteria table, “I swear to god, man, you say that one more time I’ll invert your fucking ballsac!”

“It’s true,” Clark defended, leaning back in his seat and watching as Jason fumed.

“It fucking isn’t!” Jason shouted.

The two carried on, back and forth, for another few minutes before Grizz got sick of the suffocating anger between the two and interjected.

“Remind me again what this is about?” Grizz sighed. He genuinely couldn’t remember what had started this fight between the two boys. He had tuned them out about four minutes into it, instead opting to listening to Luke moan his lacking track record of homework getting him into trouble only a few weeks into the school year. Luke wasn’t especially dumb, but he wasn’t exactly smart either. He tended to avoid actual work in favor of touch football games and quality time with his girlfriend. Ten minutes later, though, Grizz found himself drifting back towards the dumber members of the group, finding that they were still arguing heatedly over… whatever it was they had disagreed on.

“This major fucking dumbass thinks that whipped cream is a sauce,” Jason explained vehemently.

“Cause it is,” Clark shrugged, “Desert sauce.”

“I’m going to fucking kill you, you piece of dog shit.”

“Can’t kill the truth man,” Grizz put in, figuring his friends weren’t stopping any time soon, he might as well enjoy himself and stir the pot a bit. Since Jason was clearly much more affected by the argument, and Grizz wanted the best results, he aligned himself with Clark (whether he was right or not didn’t play into his decision). 

“You’re siding with him?” Jason spat in disbelief.

“He’s right.”

“Fuck yeah, Grizz!” Clark cheered.

“Shut the fuck up!” Jason barked, and fuck Grizz was sure Jason was ready to snap Clark’s neck then and there. “You’ve changed Grizz,” He muttered darkly.

“Do you actually give shit about this?” Luke asked, half whispering as he and Grizz continued to watch the dramatic battle play out before them from the sidelines.

“No,” Grizz replied, “But it’s fucking funny.”

“Yeah I guess,” Luke laughed. “I don’t know how you put up with this, honestly.”

“Well how do you put up with it?” Grizz retorted.

“I dunno man, it’s different.” Grizz raised his eyebrows in question and Luke continued, “You don’t think you’re like, way too smart for this shit?”

“Just cause I read a book once doesn’t mean I’m above debating the sauce status of whipped cream,” Grizz stated.

“Yeah, I guess.” Grizz frowned a bit. He didn’t like the way Luke talked to him lately.

Grizz had noticed that, despite his friends seemingly believing him when he explained his reasons for not seeing them all summer, there was still a weird air about them. Grizz had begun hanging out with them again. Since he and Sam had gotten together, he had been feeling a bit more comfortable in his skin. He wasn’t ready to come out or anything, that was a bit far, but he had gotten something out of his system. Hanging out with The Guard became easier after that. However, they didn’t seem to agree. Jason and Clark still seemed to hold some bitterness towards him. They would say things about how he had changed, or how they didn’t know him anymore. If Grizz wasn’t aware of some new developments in their lives, they would often claim it was because he was too busy for them. He knew it was mostly joking, but it still didn’t feel a hundred percent like the two were over that summer. Luke, on the other hand, seemed almost insecure around Grizz. Sometimes, when hanging out, if Grizz had to leave in the middle, Luke would get weird. He would ask if Grizz was “doing it again” and Grizz could only assume when he said ‘it’ he meant distancing himself. He assured him he just had chores and the like, but he knew Luke was feeling a bit… shit, he didn’t know, neglected? Abandoned? It was weird. Luke had never been the most confident guy in comparison to their teammates, but he certainly wasn’t ever unconfident. Now though, he would talk to Grizz like he was ready for Grizz to leave again. It reminded Grizz of Sam back when they had first become friends. Like at any moment, Grizz would decide he was too good for Luke and The Guard. 

It made him feel guilty for ditching them, though he knew that, at the time, he felt it necessary. Still, he had hurt his friends. He had underestimated their attachment to him apparently. Even Clark and Jason, though they expressed it more aggressively than Luke, seemed to be keeping him at arm’s length so that if he ran they wouldn’t be so close. He could see that, they weren’t as stoic as they tried to be. He hadn’t wanted to hurt his friends. He hadn’t  _ wanted _ to abandon them. He hadn’t known what else to do. He wanted things to be normal, but at the time they hadn’t been and he didn’t know how to deal with that so he left. Now, he wished he had learned since then because once again, things were not normal and he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to leave again.

“Yo, Grizzy,” Clark called, interrupting Jason in a rage fueled rant and breaking Grizz from his thoughts. “You’re ex is heading over,” he informed him, gesturing across the cafeteria.

Grizz looked to where he pointed, to see Carla walking over to them determinedly. He braced himself for whatever was about to come, and he knew something was going to come. He hadn’t really spoken to Carla since prom when he had left early, claiming to be sick. No one talked about that night. After it, when Grizz had avoided texting her back, it seemed unspoken that the two were no longer together. Carla avoided him in the halls and Grizz couldn’t bring himself to try to make it up to her. He was sick of trying, and he was sick of faking it. He wanted to be done with that awful part of his life, and when he had finally been able to befriend Sam, he had had all the drama surrounding his previous relationship all but erased from his memory. His priorities changed, and he just never saw Carla anymore, bar a few glimpses of her in the halls.

“Shit man,” Jason chuckled, “Sounds like god’s punishing you for saying frosting is a sauce.”

“He isn’t punishing me, though. I’m the head of this movement,” Clark said, pointing out the flaw in Jason’s claim.

“He’s punishing you by making you look like that.”

“Wow.”

“Guys,” Grizz hissed as Carla drew closer, finally stopping in front of him as his friends continued their bickering privately.

“Grizz.”  
“Hey Carla,” He said, his voice sounding rather high and airy in an attempt at casual conversation, “What’s up?”

“Can I talk to you?” It was clear from the short, cold tone she used that Carla wasn’t there to make casual conversation. She was pissed at Grizz, and rightly so. He knew he had been a dick. He had been an awful boyfriend who was barely present in the relationship, ditched her on prom night, and avoided speaking to her in favor of actually breaking up with her formally like he was meant to. 

“Yeah,” He nodded. He waited for her to speak but she just looked at him impatiently. “Oh, you mean like, privately?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure, sure, let’s uh,” He glanced at the table. His friends were too occupied with their own activities to notice Grizz leaving. He stood up, rubbing his hands on his pants as he noticed them getting a bit clammy. Was he nervous? “Let’s go.”

The two ended up walking silently to the library. No one really ate in the library-at least not enough people to make it feel like they could be watched. They sat at one of the tables, and if Grizz turned his head from where he sat at the end, he could see the chair mirroring his own at the table beside him. It was just visible from behind the end of a bookshelf. No one sat in it, but light from the window behind it filtered down onto the varnished wood making it glow. Grizz got an odd sense of deja vu.

“So,” Carla began, “I wanted to talk to you.”

She paused and Grizz gave her a little nod in confirmation, signaling for her to continue.

“I want an explanation,” She stated simply. “I was really pissed at the time and I really just didn’t want to fucking see you, but it’s been bugging the hell out of me. So explain. Why did you leave me at prom? Why did you avoid me and stop texting? Did you just hate me or something? Cause I don’t understand any of it Grizz.”

Grizz pursed his lips. He didn’t know how to answer this. Carla was obviously still pissed. Grizz felt bad, he really did, but he didn’t have an explanation. He either had to tell her the truth or lie. He had been lying since the beginning, was now any different? Just because he had Sam now? Well fuck, Sam really brought something out in him. The two had kissed a mere three weeks ago, and yet Grizz felt like a new man. He wasn’t going to lie anymore. Maybe he wouldn’t always be explicit, but he wouldn’t lie.

“I was freaked out,” he found himself admitting. 

“By what?” she demanded.

“When we were dating, I was going through something. I was in a really bad place. I was really trying, you know, to make things work. I was. But I think I knew that I couldn’t. And when we went to prom together, and I had had a bit to drink, I just realized I really couldn’t handle it.”

“It?”

“Us? Being in a relationship? I don’t know. I just-I really couldn’t do that. And I was already just feeling so, I don’t know, I was fucked, so I left. I feel fucking awful about it. I know it was shitty, but at the time I just really didn’t know what I was doing. I fucked up really bad. I’m sorry.”

“You know, just because you feel like shit doesn’t mean you can just fuck around with people?” Carla said, voice dripping with venom.

“I know,” Grizz answered honestly, “I know. I get that it was fucked up. I know I shouldn’t have started anything with you when I knew I couldn’t handle it. And I should have talked to you about all this. The whole thing was fucked on my part. I really am sorry.”

“Why were you with me then? If you knew you weren’t into it?”

“I wanted to be into it. I wanted to like you that way. I guess I thought if I forced myself I could do it.”  
“That’s pretty fucking dumb,” Carla snorted.

“Yeah,” Grizz agreed, “But I thought it would work. I was real fucked up I guess.”

“Why were you so fucked up then?” Carla presented the question and Grizz’s heart stopped for a second. He didn’t know what to say. So far, he had stuck to honesty. He wanted to be an honest person. But here? Here he was stuck. He didn’t want to tell Carla. He didn’t want to not tell her either. She deserved an explanation. One could argue it just wasn’t her business, but Grizz felt as though he had roped her in. She had no choice, and maybe she should know exactly what Grizz had done. As fucked up as it was and as much as Grizz didn’t want to admit it, he felt morally obligated.

“I was repressing shit. Like, with my sexuality.”

“Your sexuality? What, you’re like, gay?” He didn’t really know what she was thinking about that. It was a question. She didn’t really seem to pose it any other way. But she was the first non-Sam person he was telling, so he really had no clue were any of it was going. He hadn’t even planned this like he had with Sam. It was purely spur of the moment. He thought maybe that made it easier, or maybe it was easier because one way or another, Carla hated him. Nothing was on the line.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Oh.”

There was a break in the beat of conversation after that. Both students just sat there at the table, eyeing their own hands as they waited for the other to speak again.

“I’m sorry,” Grizz repeated, deciding that was the best thing he could say. There wasn’t much else to say.

“I’m still pissed at you,” Carla said, “But I guess, thanks for telling me. I think I needed to know. And I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to. I’m not an asshole.”

“Thanks Carla.”

“Yeah whatever,” She stood up then, “No offense Grizz, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to me from now on.”

Grizz nodded. He felt a bit bad, knowing how severely he had fucked up with Carla and that he hadn’t been able to fix it. But he also felt a lot better having resolved it. It wasn’t hanging in the air anymore. They both knew where the other stood and it was truly over.

When Grizz arrived back at his table, The Guard was all gathered around Jason’s phone. Grizz sat in his seat, waving his hand to get the attention of his friends. Jason turned off his phone, tucking it into his pocket and the three moved their eyes to Grizz.

“So what did Carla want?” Clark asked, voice heavy with implications.

“All alone,” Jason added.

“She just wanted to talk,” Grizz shrugged, “What’d I miss here?”  
“Jason was looking up the definition of a sauce,” Luke informed him.

“And?”

“A thick liquid served with food, usually savory dishes, to add moistness and flavor,” Clark quoted proudly, “And since whipped cream is a colloid, it’s obviously a sauce.”

“How do you know what a colloid is?” Grizz questioned. 

“Because I give a shit about whipped cream, man.”

“Anyway,” Jason interrupted, seemingly bitter from his defeat against Clark, “Talk about what happened with Carla man. No way she ‘just wanted to talk’.”

“She did.”

“So you’re not back together?” Luke asked.

“No.”

“Told you!” Clark grinned, “He’s still in love with Becca. I’m on fire today!”

“I’m not in love with Becca,” Grizz said, though he knew it was pointless. He had hoped his friend would be over that by now but Clark was a cocky bastard with an idea in his head for once in his lifetime. It would be harder to get him to let it go than to pry a bone from a vicious dog’s mouth. He had latched onto it.

“Okay,” Clark said sarcastically, winking at Grizz. God, as much as he loved these guys, sometimes he wished he had continued avoiding them.

***

Sam was sitting across from Grizz on the floor of Grizz’s bedroom, a sketchbook laying across his lap. He wasn’t speaking, and he wasn’t looking at Grizz so there could be no communication in that moment. It was alright though. Grizz was comfortable with silence, and he had taken that moment as an opportunity to admire his boyfriend (he still found himself in shock every time he used the word boyfriend. It felt odd. Like it wasn’t real. But it was real and if that didn’t make Grizz’s insides twist in an amazing way, he didn’t know what would). Grizz had, for the past three years, restricted his gazing at the other boy, instead savouring small glances that he could sneak in during classes or in the halls. He had felt it was some small consultation, something to make up for all the shit he put himself through. Nothing he would ever let exist in any other context. Never a real thing, just appreciation. But now, now he had the real thing. He could look at Sam as much as he liked because Sam was his boyfriend. He could study his features and memorize it all. Like the slight wave of his hair when it grew out a bit, or his long eyelashes decorating his blue eyes. The light freckles sprinkling his face, and the dimples on his cheeks that appeared when he smiled. Grizz could look at him freely. He was a lucky bastard. 

When Sam finally looked up, he handed Grizz the sketchbook. It was a drawing of Grizz, and he had figured he’d be getting something of his likeness soon enough. Sam had been asking. The drawing was amazing, as always. Grizz was a bit jealous of Sam’s ability to perfectly capture someone with nothing more than a piece of paper and some pens. Grizz in the drawing was beautiful. His hair was tied up, something Grizz had found Sam fond of (if Grizz began pulling it up more often into his dumb little ponytail that stuck off the top of his head like overgrown grass more often in order to make Sam happy that was his business). He was smiling in the drawing widely. One side was crooked up so his nose was scrunched. He hadn’t realized that was something he did until Sam pointed it out.

_ I love it, _ Grizz signed.

_ I think I fucked up the nose a bit,  _ Sam admitted,  _ but I’d say it’s actually an improvement. _

_ Fuck you, _ Grizz laughed at Sam’s teasing. Trufully, however, he couldn’t find a fault anywhere in the picture. Maybe he was biased.

They fell back into a comfortable silence, Grizz continuing to admire Sam’s work and Sam taking his turn to stare at his boyfriend. Nothing much happened until Grizz felt that reckless urge that seemed to possess him lately. The same urge that made him come out to Sam and kiss him and the same urge that made him tell the truth to Carla.

“I want to come out,” he blurted, before realizing he had spoken and quickly signing his words for his boyfriend.

_ Ok, _ Sam said.

_ You’re ok with that? _ Grizz asked. He wanted to make sure Sam was comfortable with people knowing. Fuck, Grizz wasn’t entirely sure he himself was comfortable. And yet, he needed to do it. He had come out twice now and it had gone well. He needed to keep going. He didn’t want to be missing out anymore because he was stuck in the closet. After speaking with Carla, he realized how desperately he wanted a normal relationship. Not to say he didn’t absolutely love what he and Sam had but there was more. He wanted Sam to hold his hand when they walked down the halls. He wanted to introduce Sam to people as his partner. He wanted to go to shitty school dances with Sam and kiss him at parties and have Sam show up to school in his jersey before a game. He wanted all that cliche high school romance stuff. He had had that with Carla but there weren’t any of the feelings he had for Sam. He wanted to move forward, and even though the prospect of being out, fully and completely out, scared him shitless, it was what he needed.

_ Of course I’m ok with it _ , Sam told him,  _ Why wouldn’t I be? If you want to come out that’s your decision. Plus, getting to show off my hot football player boyfriend? Bitches will be jealous. I live for that. _

Grizz laughed.  _ Yeah. Yeah whatever you say. _

_ Seriously though, I think you should come out. I’m sure it’ll go over fine. _ Sam was aware of Grizz’s anxieties around people’s perception of him. It had been pretty damn obvious during Grizz’s initial coming out. It made him feel a bit more sturdy to have Sam assuring him that everything would work out well enough. He knew realistically there would be people who would give him shit, but it still just helped to remember that not everyone was like that.

_ I hope so. I’m sort of worried my friends will be weird about it. _

_ No offense,  _ Sam said, _ but your friends are idiots. If they get weird that’s their problem. _

_ I know, but like, they’re still my friends. I want them to be there, _ Grizz explained. He felt a small drop in his chest. He knew his friends were idiots, but having Sam confirm that they really might not accept him, that that fear was a valid fear, it was a reality check Grizz hadn’t wanted.

_ I get that. I’m just saying, coming out always has that risk. You have to decide if it’s worth it. _

_ Was it worth it for you? _

Sam nodded.  _ It was. And it went fine for me. The only person I get shit from is Campbell. He’s Campbell, so…  _ Sam explained.

_ What’s up with Campbell? _ Grizz asked then, because it was something he had been stuck on. He couldn’t understand just what about the guy was so off, but there was definitely something very wrong there.

_ He’s…  _ Sam paused, seeming to struggle to find the right words,  _ He’s different. He doesn’t really care about other people. _

_ That must really suck, huh? _ Grizz commented, not sure what else to say,  _ Having him as a brother? _

_ Well I stay out of his way mostly. But yeah. _

Not much was said after that. Instead, Grizz moved across his floor to sit beside Sam, wrapping his arm around his shoulder. He didn’t know how to comfort him, or if he needed comforting. Campbell sounded like a dick, someone even his own brother had to actively avoid in order to not be shit on. And yet, Sam seemed almost unbothered by it. Like it was a fact of life he had gotten used to. That wasn’t right. Grizz didn’t know how to say that, so instead, there was this. Him sitting with his arm wrapped around Sam, who had rested his head against Grizz’s shoulder. All he could think of was how much he wanted to protect Sam from that.

***

Grizz was drunk. Room spinning, jumbled thoughts drunk. 

The Guard had all gotten together at Jason’s and of course, unsupervised teenage boys with access to absent and inattentive parent’s alcohol would drink till they puked. Jason’s house was always the go to for the group when the goal was to get shit faced. Luke’s parents were home more often than the other’s and kept a watchful eye over the alcohol in their house. It was “a collection” as Luke put it, and nothing the boys could get away with taking. Clark’s parents, aside from the occasional business trips that resulted in full blown house parties, were also home a fair amount. They were on Clark’s case a lot, knowing their son was dumb enough to really make a mistake when intoxicated. Grizz’s parents, though rarely home, kept tabs on their alcohol, not because they saw it as a collection like Luke’s parents, but because they thought that if a single drop of alcohol entered their son’s system his whole life would go down the drain. He would have a single beer and all the sudden he would leave the football team, drop out of school, and become an alcoholic living on the streets. His parents were just paranoid as shit. So, Jason, with parents who were always working and who gave little care about what happened in their own house. So long as his mother’s maltipoo was still breathing, all was well.

The boys were all spread around Jason’s bedroom. Jason lay on his bed, Clark sprawled out at the foot. Luke was perched on the arm of the beat up old couch Jason had hauled into the room, with Grizz taking up the proper seating of the couch, his legs rested in Luke’s lap as GRizz was a bit too tall to comfortably lay across the ugly thing.

The Guard were all talking about their girlfriends, or in Clark’s case hookups. Grizz knew he couldn’t exactly join in. While Luke fawned over Helena and how she was the perfect girl for him, or Jason bragged about how hot him and Erika were together, or Clark moaned about Gwen, Grizz wasn’t able to join. He knew he had someone to talk to, but he was wise enough to know that some future him would beat himself up if his coming out was just an alcohol fueled fuck up. However, he also wondered why he couldn’t join in? He was a part of the group, and he had as much to talk about as anyone. So long as he stayed vague, avoiding any dead giveaways he was fine. He was perfectly capable of filtering what left his lips. Plus, maybe talking about it would make it easier to come out when the time came. Easing his way into it. Laying it all out for himself.

So, when he finally heard a shit-faced Luke’s wax poetic rant about how he was going to marry Helena after graduation, proposing to her in some cheesy romantic speech, and moving out to live by the ocean together, Grizz figured it was his time to shine.

“I think I’m in love,” He found himself announcing, and he felt the eyes of his friends all move to him. 

“With Carla?” Jason asked.

Carla? Why would he think Carla? They broke up, Grizz wasn’t in love with Carla. Was that the only girl he had been with? Long term at least. Maybe it made sense his mind would immediately fall on Carla, but fuck. No, Grizz was definitely not in love with Carla. 

Actually, he didn’t know if he was in love with anyone. He really liked Sam. He  _ really _ liked Sam. But he didn’t know if he was in love with him. They had only been together three weeks. He had never been in love and at the moment, he was decently drunk. He shouldn’t be deciding big things when he was drunk, right? Though, just because he was drunk didn’t mean he wasn’t feeling what he was feeling. He felt like he loved Sam. And besides, they had been together for three weeks, but they had been friends much longer. About four months, and Grizz had definitely been falling through it all. Yeah. Yeah, Grizz was in love.

“Idiot, he’s in love with Becca,” Clark argued. Becca? No, Grizz wasn’t in love with her either. He was in love with Sam. He thought Becca was a great friend, but he wasn’t in love with her. Why didn’t his friends get that. He wished they would just understand it was Sam he was talking about, not a girl.

“Neither,” Grizz muttered.

“C’mon Grizzy, you know it’s Becca.”

“It’s not.”

Well who is it?” Luke asked, and when Grizz said nothing in response, he jostled his leg, “Man, who are you in love with?”

“You can’t just tell us that shit and then go braindead bro,” Jason whined. “We wanna know.”

Then the chanting began. Loud and drunk, all the words slowly slurring together as they continued. 

“Tell us! Tell us! Tell us!”

Grizz was lucky enough not to let his drunken state overtaken his logical thinking and spew the truth about his relationship out where The Guard could see it.


	9. Turn off your porcelain face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn't relevant to the story but I think it's important to say that Grizz was definitely born in October.

If you were a superhero, what would your power be? It was a common question that everyone has heard a thousand times throughout their life. Presented as an icebreaker at summer camp, or a question you ask your friends when you’re all so high that overused cliche thought provokers become genius philosophical riddles, or when you’re alone in bed trying to figure out who you are without needing to really commit to the idea that you don’t fucking know. Compiling a list of your best traits in order to overanalyze each and create a perfect identity that revolved around some metaphor that encompassed your strengths, or simply deciding which logical power would benefit you the most was just a pass time. As a kid, you would answer the power of flight, or invisibility, or some heightened human sense. More simplistic powers. Then, when you got older the ideas would become more complex, what was  _ really _ the best option for you? Deeper and more personalized powers. 

Grizz thought it was stupid, he didn’t want x-ray vision, or super strength, or the power to breath underwater like he and his friends would have said when they were children. When he was a child, he had no filter, as he had no need to hide any of his thoughts from the world, so the basic powers of cartoon superheroes suited him well. However, as he grew, he became more in need of complexity. He had more trouble explaining everything he wanted and everything he felt. He wanted the power to know exactly what to say, all on his own. Often, he would quote things. Like picking up a lighter and calling it fire powers. He could express things with other people’s words and that was fine. It saved him from going too deep into himself, something he had been afraid of since the discovery of some nasty secrets he held. Quotes allowed him to avoid properly stating his opinion. Any disagreements people held would be with the original person, not Grizz himself. But now, he needed his own words, his own voice. He had to say something and he wasn’t going to just steal some dead old english dude’s thoughts. He needed his own. He had no idea how to do that though. Like, you took away his lighter, and told him to make his own fire. Where would he even begin? He didn’t have real fire powers. He wasn’t really able to express his own feelings. He wanted the ability to do that.

Since the night he had gone over Jason’s with The Guard and drunkenly admitted to being in love with Sam-well not Sam, just someone-all he could think about was what he was to do next. That and what a major fuck up he was for a) admitting the fact to his dickhead friends (loveable dickheads, but dickheads none the less) before even considering telling Sam. His boyfriend. The one he was in love with. And b) first realizing he was in love while absolutely shit faced. He had woken up the next morning with his head throbbing and his stomach turning. Bad enough as it was. It only got worse when he remembered the previous nights confession. He had no idea what to do. He tried to tell himself it was just the alcohol talking, that he wasn’t really in love with Sam, just drunk. He knew it was a lie and it was one he couldn’t even convince himself of. He was in love with Sam. He really was. He couldn’t deny it, and honestly he didn’t want to either. Though there always seemed to be that little nagging part that told him everything would be safer if, every time another inconvenient emotion came around, he bottled it up and pretended not to notice until he convinced himself he was alright, a larger part of himself shouted at him to acknowledge what was going on. He had had his fair share of repression, and he wanted to be able to be honest to at least himself. No more lying. It had gone so far so good. He got a boyfriend out of it. And of course, he didn’t want to lose that boyfriend. Sometimes, Sam felt like the only silver lining his sexuality held. ‘I love you’ could ruin that. Grizz was willing to admit his feelings to himself but not Sam. If Sam didn’t feel the same way everything might go to hell and Grizz would never see him or talk to him again. He would lose one of his favorite people, just like he was always afraid of. He would be alone with his secret again. Sam meant far too much to Grizz to just let that happen. He could wait. He could.

He would go through life exactly the same, as if he had never even been bothered by his revelation. He would carry out his day to day routine. 

Wake up, get ready, text Sam. He would get picked up by Jason and make small talk as they drove to school, where they would meet up with Luke and Clark. At that point conversation would go from the early morning football rants Jason always seemed to have ready to pointless debates and dick measuring contests that Grizz usually won. 

Then there was the first classes of the day. Almost always uneventful. Just regular academics that passed by with barely need for more than a single thought on Grizz’s part. 

Lunch would arrive and would consist either of more fuckery with The Guard, or sneaking off campus with Sam. They were aloud off campus at lunch, as they were seniors, but it was more necessary to ‘sneak’ in order for Grizz to avoid rumors of an affair that featured some homosexual themes. Every once in a while Becca would join them, which was a pleasant change of pace even if it did put a damper on some of Grizz’s plans to be alone with his boyfriend (which Becca still didn’t know about).

After lunch, more classes, meaning more disengagement on Grizz’s part. Then he would go home or go to football practice, which had picked up more since the start of the school year.

On days when he wouldn’t practice, he would hang out with Sam doing whatever it was they had always done. He found himself with Sam a lot-maybe more than he had over the summer. It was the only time he really felt like he was there. His friends were the same as they always were. Football was the same as it always was. As much as he loved both, they were lacking in variety. And school was the worst of it all. The year had shown a particular lack of challenge for Grizz, making each lesson he attended increasingly less interesting.

Because of this he had gotten into the habit of skipping a lot more. Sometimes with Jason or Clark or Luke, or some combination of the three. On occasion with Sam, though much less as Sam was not so eager to get in trouble. Never Becca-she was willing to leave for lunch when it was aloud, but never during classes.

That day, the day after his drunken outburst of emotions and honesty, he was with Allie. The two were in the woods behind the school-a place that reminded Grizz sorely of when he was dating Carla and would take her out there because it was really the only place worth going when you were skipping class-passing a joint between themselves instead of sitting in calculus for fifty five minutes staring at the clock ticking away above the door. The two could easily agree upon which situation was better, and while Grizz may not have thought it best for Allie to be avoiding her worst class, he sympathized. Besides, if she didn’t want to go, who was he to make her?

Grizz was content just listening to Allie off load all her stress surrounding her failing love life as he blew smoke from between his lips and enjoying the burn deep in his throat that it left behind. He didn’t understand so much all of the drama Allie seemed surrounded by, it was all so convoluted and circular that it almost lost meaning. Allie wanted Will, who only liked her as a friend. Her confession had put a strain on said friendship. Will was unable to see Allie like that, at least in her mind, because of his fixation on Kelly. Kelly was Harry’s girlfriend. Harry was a “rich snobby asshole who thinks he’s better than everyone else because his parents bought him some fancy car” and is constantly butting heads with Allie’s sister Cassandra. So, Allie of course dislikes Kelly due to her relation to Harry, making her even more frustrated with Will. Like Grizz said, convoluted and circular. It was messy and seemed so unnecessarily teen drama-esc. But none of it meant anything to Grizz. What mattered was that Allie was feeling something because of it. Grizz wondered if maybe he, in some smaller scale internal way, was in a similar situation to Allie, with all of his own convoluted, circular, messy, and unnecessarily teen drama-esc issues. When he boiled himself down (and maybe removed the gayness of it all, because lets face it, teen dramas typically included stereotypical gay men simply for diversity points, and not to be actual characters within the show a good eighty percent of the time) Grizz was just living a slightly skewed teen drama. Or maybe not. It kind of made it all feel more normal though. To be a normal teenager like Allie.

“You’re lucky you don’t have to deal with this,” she muttered, plucking the joint from between Grizz’s fingers to take a long pull from it. “Love sucks ass.”

But the thing was, she was wrong. He was in love. He had struggled with it. He wasn’t different from Allie. He was like Allie. “I deal with it,” he said, in counter with her statement.

“You do?” She asked, looking up at him in shock. “Sorry, it’s just. I never see you with anyone or talking about it.”

“I don’t really talk about it,” he said.

“Is it this awful for you?”

“No,” he answers, then thinks better of it, “It used to be.”

“But it’s better now?”

He nodded and Allie gave him a small smile.

“So, who is she then?” She asked cheekily, her smile quickly growing into a large grin.

“Sam.” Grizz was feeling honest. He was just like Allie, right? He could say who he loved just like she had. He wanted to be an equal.

“Sam?” She repeated, and Grizz realized Sam wasn’t exactly an uncommon name. 

“Eliot,” he added, “Sam Eliot.”

“Oh,” Allie mused, “That’s cool.”

“Yeah,” Grizz agreed.

***

It was going to happen again. Grizz was feeling high and motivated. Maybe it was because of the release he had felt from coming out to Allie. Maybe it was from the pot. Likely it was a mixture of the two. But one way or another, Grizz was going to do it again. He needed to. Like, everytime he let the truth out a little bit more, this thing inside him edged back and he could lift his shoulders without any strain. As if some sludgy mass had wormed its way into his chest and made a home. This corrosive and disgusting thing that weighed him down and bit at his insides. It had climbed its way up his throat and to his head. He hadn’t felt like himself anymore. He behaved in a way that he hated, and he thought in a way that he hated. All his actions in an attempt to hide the distress he was under from the thing seemed to feed it and make it stronger. It became more and more debilitating to Grizz, like he could think of nothing but the pressure put on his lungs and brain. But coming out seemed to be his get away. This was how he would fix himself. He was going to come out.

It wasn’t as if that hadn’t already been the plan. Since his conversation with Sam, he had pretty much entirely ditched the idea of coming out in college. He wanted to be out. He wanted to be normal and have normal things because he was normal. He had been sitting on the idea, because though he had decided of course there were still anxieties present. He still feared that he wouldn’t be accepted. That his loved ones would hate him. Those were the reasons he had wanted to wait until college. But he wanted to be with Sam, and it felt unfair to force Sam to hide that. It felt unfair to force himself to hide it. The rush he had gained from Allie, however, kick started his new plans. He was sure that at least some people would support him. He had gained some confidence from it. Now, he was ready to tell the world. Or, maybe not the whole world yet. But he was ready to tell another person. Baby steps.

Telling Becca was his next step in the intimidatingly large process of coming out. Becca seemed his best options after weighing them all together. Coming out to The Guard still felt a bit risky, like going straight into a boss fight when you hadn’t even played the game. He was building up to that conversation. His parents were a different story entirely. He wasn’t even sure if he would come out to them. If he did, he risked a lot more than lost friendship. So, Becca was the next step. They were friends, and they were decently close. Grizz liked Becca a lot. Best of all, he knew she wouldn’t mind that he was gay. Afterall, she was Sam’s best friend. There was little uncertainty with her. The real anxiety sprung from how she would feel about Grizz’s relationship with her friend. If she would approve or not. He hoped she would, afterall, she liked Grizz well enough, but was he good enough for Sam?

He brushed his worries off, however. Because he needed to get this done. He was set on coming out to Becca as soon as possible. Before his motivation to do so ran dry and was replaced by the familiar paralyzing fear of such a thing. Two coming outs in one day.

When school let out, Grizz was ready to put his plan into action. 

He and The Guard were in their usual huddle around one of their locker’s, talking about their usual shit. Nothing to indicate there was anything happening to break the daily pattern. Just the usual things. 

When Becca passed by the group in the halls, Grizz poked his head out from the circle and stopped her.

“Hey can I talk to you?”

“Sure,” she said, giving Grizz an odd look in response to his serious tone, “Just let me get my shit from my locker. I’ll meet you out front, okay?”

Grizz nodded in agreement, and Becca walked off. Grizz rejoined the huddle of his friends, only to find them all grinning suggestively at him.

“What’re you talking to Becca about Castronova?” Clark smirked.

“It’s Casanova,” Grizz corrected, “And none of your business.”

“You telling her how much you love her?” Jason sang teasingly, stretching the ‘o’ in love. 

"No.”

“But she is the one you’re in love with, right?” Luke said.

Grizz, wanting to be done with this conversation, a conversation that should have died out a few minutes after it was even brought up over five months ago, began to walk away. 

“I’m not talking about this,” he said, much to his friends’ disappointment. He continued on, though, opting to wait for Becca by the front like they had talked about instead of discussing absolute nothingness with The Guard.

It had only been a few minutes of standing when Becca stepped out of the school doors and found her way over to Grizz. 

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey.”

“So what did you want to talk about?” She asked.

Grizz, looking around at the crowded entrance to the school, said, “Can we go somewhere more private maybe?”

Becca gave him a look. “Why?”

“I don’t really want other people to hear,” Grizz admitted.

“I guess,” Becca said, though she didn’t look entirely convinced. It occured to Grizz that, at least since Clar’s party that felt like a lifetime ago, the two of them never really spoke one-on-one. Sam was always there. It must seem weird for Grizz to want ‘privacy’ all the sudden.

They ended up walking to Becca’s car. Becca had said she liked driving and talk and Grizz needed a ride home, since Jason was never one to wait. He though having her attention focused elsewhere would also help him a bit.

With Becca in the driver seat and Grizz in the passenger, they began the ride. There was silence for a bit, and Grizz fiddled with his hair to keep himself grounded, and from spiraling into panic.

“Okay,” Grizz said after a few minutes in order to jumpstart the conversation, “I guess we should talk then?”

“Yeah,” Becca mumbled, not looking away from the road. Attention elsewhere.

“Um.” he paused testing out different wordings in his head before proceeding. “I just wanted to tell you I’m gay.”

“Really?” Becca sounded surprised.

“Yeah.”

“Wow. I was kinda worried you were gonna tell me you like me or something,” she admitted.

“You thought I liked you?” He asked because honestly, did everyone think he was just in love with Becca or something? He realized the way he posed it may have sounded mean, so he quickly added, “I mean no offence, sorry. It’s just, I’ve been hearing that a lot.”

“I don’t know. Maybe?” Becca said, then, because apparently Grizz liking someone was a cheeky thing to everyone, she grinned, “Oh my god, wait. So who do you like then?”

Everyone was so invested in who Grizz was into. Allie had asked the second it was brought up, and so had Becca. The Guard seemed to constantly be giving him shit about his supposed crush. Jesus. “Well that was actually the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. Me and Sam have been dating.”

“Oh my god,” Becca exclaimed, “Seriously? I can’t believe I didn’t see that! I’m really happy for you two.”

She spent most of the car ride talking in a similar fashion about how she should have seen all the signs. Grizz’s “longing” looks towards Sam, and Sam’s blush that appeared every time the two made contact, or the fond way they spoke to each other. Then she went on about how happy she was for them. How it was obvious they were ‘meant to be’. How Sam was a great guy and Grizz was a great guy and she was so happy that her best friend had found someone and how happy she was that Grizz had found someone when New Ham really didn’t seem like the ideal place to meet other gay men interested. She told Grizz how much happier they both seemed. She commented on Grizz’s behavior the first time they had met. He was all sad and mopey, off to the side at a party instead of being out with his friends, and how, since meeting Sam, he seemed so much more open and active. Then she talked about Sam and the fears he had had about ending up alone. That he would never find someone because of his sexuality, and how he had started to practically glow since befriending Grizz. He wondered if Sam would be alright with her sharing that information, but he couldn’t stop her now. She was just excited for her friends. 

When she finally pulled up in front of Grizz’s house, she finally turned to him, and said in a much calmer and sincere tone, “I’m glad you told me. I’m happy for you, and if anyone gives you or Sam shit, I’ll wreck them.”

“Thanks Becca,” Grizz said, and he meant it. Though her reaction was a bit overwhelming, he was glad to have had it. It meant a lot to know that Sam’s best friend approved of him, and to know that he was visibly getting better. He felt lighter again. Like the high, which had slowly dipped through the hour between talking to Allie and now, had rocketed back up again, though this time it was much more sedated. He was just floating.

She reached across the seat to give him a short hug, and he got out of the car. With a final wave between the two, she drove off and Grizz went inside. He was worn out, but he felt good. He felt peaceful.

He flopped onto his bed, pulling out his phone and opening his messages with Sam.

_ I told Allie and Becca today. It went really well, _ he typed out.

A few minutes later, his phone buzzed with Sam’s reply. 

_ That’s great! :) _

***

Now, the finale.

Grizz waited until another weekend, which felt like a long time. The week dragged on as he anticipated the coming events. But he wanted to wait. The weekend just seemed like the right time to do it. If things went wrong on the weekend. He would have a little bit of time to figure out how to cope, rather than being thrown right back into school the next day.

When Saturday finally graced Grizz with its presence he felt impatient for everything to be over with. His friends all filed into his house far too slowly, as if they wanted to torture him with their sluggish arrivals. However, one by one they all came. First was Jason, since he lived so close. He walked in, and upon finding no one else there, sat on Grizz’s couch and proceeded to dive into a long rant about last week’s Patriots game. Something he hadn’t shut up about since the day of the actual game and had quickly lost Grizz’s interest. Then, Luke came. Though not nearly as invested as Jason, he entertained him as he continued to ramble. About half an hour later Clark, who had slept through his alarm, came strutting through the door. Everyone was there, and it was Grizz’s time.

As his friends, arranged in their typical sprawl across the living room furniture, moaned about what an awful host Grizz was, failing to have provided any alcohol or weed, Grizz built himself up in preparation for what he was about to do. It was like his first time coming out all over again. He was shaky and nauseous and ready to run at any moment. His friends were always his biggest fear. They meant more to him than almost anyone else, but they were the most unpredictable. It wasn’t as if they went around fag bashing or teasing effeminate students for their possible homosexuality. But it wasn’t like they were going to pride parades and advocating for gay rights in their free time. Not that Grizz wanted that. He wasn’t exactly huge on politics. He cared, of course, but he didn’t go out of his way or anything. He was gay but he wasn’t a political statement. The point was more that he had no idea where his friends leaned. They didn’t care about people they didn’t know being gay, but they threw around the word faggot in conversations. It was all a bit unclear. He didn’t know how they would feel knowing one of their closest friends was a faggot himself.

He had come this far, and no matter how terrified he may have been he wasn’t backing down. He tugged the strings of his hoodie and thought of Sam. Sam who, once he was out, would wear his jersey to school and hold his hand when they walked down the hallways.

“Man, why are we even here?” Clark whined, “You don’t even have booze.”

Grizz didn’t want his friends to be drunk when he came out. Sure, it might be easier, but it wouldn’t be the same. Like cheating. They wouldn’t react normally and they might not even remember it. He wanted it to be just his friends on their own. Even if they hated him afterwards, at least he’d be sure of it.

“I’d really prefer it if you guys weren’t shit faced right now.”

“Bro when did you get boring?” Jason said.

“He’s just being a little bitch,” Clark spat angrily.

“Guys I’m serious. I actually have something I gotta talk about.”

“What? How much of a little bitch you are?” Clark suggested.

“Clark shut up,” Luke said tiredly, “What’s up Grizz?”

Grizz felt his hand come up to pull at the hair on the back of his head. He quickly put it down, wanting to look as collected as possible. “You remember that thing I had to talk to Becca about on Monday?”

“You two are together now?” Jason asked.

“Why can’t we be drunk and find this out man? We all fucking know,” Clark said.

“I’m not with Becca.”  
“She rejected you?” Luke asked.

“Man that’s rough,” Jason said.

“I bet some  _ booze _ would help with tha-”

“Can you all just let me talk?” Grizz snapped. His friends looked a bit shocked at Grizz’s uncharacteristic aggression. He was known to call them out on their idiocy every now and then but it was incredibly rare to see him actually get mad. After a moment of silence, he calmed down. “Thanks. Anyway, I’m not with Becca and she didn’t reject me. That’s not even what we talked about, cause I never liked Becca like that.”

He could see Clark struggling to hold in whatever comment he had, but he ignored him. Grizz was doing what he had to do. He had been holding it in so long, he was going to say what he fucking wanted and he wasn’t going to be interrupted. Whatever opinions they had could wait until Grizz was done. 

And then he said it. Out loud. To his friends. He never thought he would do something like that. It felt unreal. He wasn’t even sure he had said it out loud until he saw his friends faces. A mixture of confusion and disbelief. He didn’t see any malice, but as they each took time to gather their thoughts and formulate an opinion, he braced himself for the oncoming attack.

“Like, for real?” Jason asked, “Or like, joking?”

“For real.”

Another silence.

“Wait dude, but you’ve like, slept with chicks, right?” Clark said and Luke kicked him in the side. “What?”

“Don’t be a dick,” Luke hissed, before turning to Grizz, “We’re totally cool with it man. We’ll like, support you, right guys?”

“Yeah sure,” Jason shrugged.

“I don’t care as long as you don’t like, start sucking at football or anything man,” Clark said.

“That’s not how it works,” Grizz replied.

“Then I don’t care.”

“You’re still Grizz right?” Jason asked, “You just like, wanna suck some dudes dick or whatever?”

“Uh…” Grizz said, “I don’t know what to say to that.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Luke cut in, dismissing Jason, “We’re here for you, alright.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Grizz felt better. He had really done it. He had come out to The Guard. He hadn’t died, he hadn’t been called a slur. It had gone well. Kinda.

“Hold on. Dude, you’ve seen me piss,” Clark realized.

“I wasn’t looking at your dick,” Grizz replied. It was true. Grizz had exactly zero interest in Clark’s penis.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. You’re not exactly my type man.”

“Yeah, I’m way more his type,” Jason jumped in.

“What?” Clark gaped, offended, “No way. I’m way hotter than you.”

“Grizz you’d fuck me over Clark right?”

“I wouldn’t fuck either of you,” Grizz said, “I have a boyfriend.”

His friends all stared at him.

“You do?” Clark asked.

“Yeah. Sam Eliot.”

“I knew it!” Clark cheered. He very much did not know it.

“No you didn’t,” Luke argued, “You thought he was in love with Becca.”

“I just said that to make him feel better.” Luke sighed rubbing his head. The boys continued to argue while Grizz just enjoyed his achievement. He had done it and nothing had changed. After everything, his friends were still just idiots who argued about absolutely nothing. They were consistent, and they didn’t hate him.

Grizz was out.


	10. I'll cut my hair to make you stare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short & winding down.

_ Are you ready? _ He asked.

Grizz shook his head slightly, as much as his position would allow, but turning his head too much would result in a face buried into the mattress, He was okay with the restrictions though. He was tired and so he wouldn’t have been able to accomplish much movement anyway. It was far too nice, wrapped up tightly in his blankets with Sam pressed against his front, to risk it all coming undone with some exaggerated action. He would rather stay in that warm little bubble. It was heaven.

_ You don’t have to do it,  _ He said.

_ I want to though. _

Grizz knew he had already jumped the biggest hurdle. Telling The Guard was always the main source of fear that had bloomed during Grizz’s denial, and had been the most important one to deal with. It was over, and now he just had to cross the finish line. Though he thought he might like to just savor his success a little longer, he knew it was time. He wanted to be done more than anything. He was tired.

Tomorrow. Monday. The first day of October. He would go into school and he would be Grizz. Sam would be Sam. Everything would be normal, because they were normal. They wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, because it was normal. They would simply act how they liked, because what they liked was normal. If asked, they would tell people the truth, because the truth was normal. Nothing within their world would change.

_ Okay,  _ Sam said.

_ Do you want to? _ Grizz replied.

_ Of course. I want to show you off. _

_ I think I’d be the one showing you off. _

_ Let’s just agree that we both have very hot boyfriends that we’ll be showing off, okay? _

_ Okay. _

The two let their hands fall lazilly down to rest in the small space between their bodies. Sam ducked his face down to rest against Grizz chest, with Grizz buried himself in his boyfriend’s soft red hair. The two fell asleep curled close around each other as they waited for the next day to come and bring about the anticipated change.

***

Grizz woke up slowly, taking his time to open his eyes. He was still consumed by the coziness of the blanket mass he and Sam shared and wasn’t ready to give it up yet. After a long five minutes of not moving, he finally began to pull himself from the little person utopia to get ready. His sudden absence from his position as Sam’s pillow spurred the other boy to wake, glancing around the room to locate Grizz and gain his bearings.

_ Morning _ , Grizz greeted.

Sam returned the greeting, begrudgingly rolling off the bed and picking his clothes from where they had been strewn across the floor the night before.

The two finished getting ready, before heading down and waiting for their ride. Jason, as always was supposed to drive Grizz into school and upon finding out that Sam would be joining them, enthusiastically informed Grizz about the embarrassment he planned to cause him during that ride. Grizz thought he may have been dreading that more than anything that would come later on in the day. Not to say he wasn’t a little bit terrified. Coming out, fully and entirely to the whole school. Not like he was going on the loud speaker and screaming “I’m gay!”, that would just be fucking obnoxious. But he wouldn’t be hiding it anymore either, and people would come to their own conclusions. Jason was still just a bit more intimidating than that.

The car pulled up at around seven, and Sam and Grizz stepped out into the cool fall air-which had just started to present itself-and hopped in, Grizz sat in passenger and Sam in back. 

“So, Sam,” Jason said as he began to leave Grizz’s driveway and enter onto the main road.

“He can’t hear you dumbass,” Grizz interrupted before Jason could even continue his thought, “He’s deaf.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to talk to him then?”

“Just don’t,” Grizz suggested.

“Grizzy, I’m meeting your boyfriend for the first time, I’m gonna fucking talk to him.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Fuck, fine. I’ll translate,” Grizz gave in, knowing that, similar to Clark, Jason was a stubborn fuck and it was easiest to just allow him to carry out his fuckery.

“You’re gonna change what I say.”

“It’s that or you don’t talk,” Grizz said.

“Fuck, fine. Now let me talk to your boyfriend.”

Grizz turned around in his seat to face Sam, first explaining the situation Jason was forcing them into. Sam, who had previously been attempting rather unsuccessfully to keep up with the conversation up front, seemed entertained by the arrangement. Why he was so excited to see Grizz embarrassed was beyond Grizz. That was just love baby (not love. They hadn’t said that. It was just easier to say than, like “that was just liking someone a lot baby” or “that was just relationships baby”. Grizz had only used love for flow).

“So, Sam,” Jason began again, Grizz doing his best to sign along with his words, “How’s Grizz in bed?” Grizz smacked his friend, but continued to follow through on communicating the question to Sam.

Sam laughed a bit, before signing,  _ You want me to answer this? _

_ No. _

_ Tell him I’m waiting for marriage to kiss you. _

Grizz chuckled, before turning back to Jason. “He says he’s waiting until we’re married to even kiss me,” he conveyed.

“Dude seriously? You didn’t tell me he was like, ultra religious,” Jason gaped, “I didn’t think anyone loved Jesus more than Helena, holy shit.”

_ I’m not religious, I just don’t want to kiss you, _ Sam said, as Grizz continued translating Jason’s words.

_ But you wanna marry me? _

_ I’m complex. I don’t understand it either. _

“What’re you guys saying?” Jason said, turning away from the road to watch Sam and Grizz as their hands flew in, what to him, was probably just meaningless motions. A loud honk from behind him caused him to quickly turn back, bringing the car back to the actual lane instead of the center of the street where it had found itselfs swerving.

“Just talking about what a shit driver you are.”

“Your fucking sign language distracted me,” He pouted, but it was clear there was no real blame there. Everyone knew it was Jason’s fault. He was a terrible driver and it was a miracle he had passed his test. Grizz often wondered if it would be easier to just wake up at the asscrack of dawn and woke to school in favor of riding with Jason but he decided he valued sleep too much.

After that, Jason was more focused, allowing Grizz and Sam to have side conversations that Grizz would later translate the important pieces of. In the end, not much was said to embarrass Grizz. It was more just Jason asking dumb questions about what made gay relationships different from straight ones. There were classics like “who’s the man and who’s the woman?” or “do you guys really not feel  _ anything _ looking at tits?”, and a few weirder ones that mostly centered around ass eating. He knew Jason meant no harm with his questions, he was just a bit braindead, but it was an experience that Grizz would happily forget. By the time they arrived at school Grizz had decided that Jason was a bit messed up in the head.

Finally, they arrived at school and Grizz was able to escape Jason’s prodding attempts to talk to his boyfriend. He rushed out, followed by Sam and Jason. The three all walked off from the parking lot to the school. As they approached, Grizz felt Sam’s hand brush his, like Sam was asking permission. He grabbed Sam’s hand, entangling his fingers with his own, and continued walking. He ignored the smirk and the nudge that Jason gave him, too focused on controlling his breaths. When he walked into school today, everyone would see Grizz and they would finally know the parts of himself that he had once been so desperate to keep from them. Grizz was going to be different now. It was happening.

The couple, joined by Jason entered the school and walked down the hall as they would have any other day, the only difference being the linked hands of Grizz and Sam. Grizz knew that, for the most part, no one gave much of a reaction. No one was affected by the two boys, but it seemed like all eyes were glaring holes through him. He just couldn’t comprehend what he was doing could hold any consequences other than hatred for him blossoming in his fellow students. He had been so afraid of it for so long, his mind was unable to recognize any feelings other than abandonment and disgust from them as they watched him and his boyfriend silently advertise what they were. And all eyes fell on them, in an attempt to clearly see what was happening in front of them in order to come to a conclusion. The gay boy was holding hands with the supposedly straight football player. Grizz knew, realistically, it was only a few glances thrown their way, and that they were barely acknowledged past that. A look and then they were nothing more in their minds. It was relieving. 

After the initial unease, everything became much easier. Once again affirmed in Grizz’s mind that he-as well as his relationship-was normal and okay, by the lack of negative attention they seemed to be getting. Most people seemed bothered by it, and as Grizz moved throughout the day, the first half of the day, all seemed well. 

During AP english, he was approached by a girl, who asked him if it was true he was dating Sam.

“Yeah,” he had confirmed.

“So you’re like, fully gay then?”

“Yeah.”

“I kinda figured.” He didn’t know what to say to that.

There were a few more interactions like that. Curious students who wanted to be in on whatever information seemed to be circulating the school. So it wasn’t exactly like Grizz and Sam went unnoticed. More to say, no one cared much passed confirmation that they were indeed dating. Because gay couples were rare in West Ham, especially ones that consisted of kids like Grizz. It was a bit strange at first, but quickly lost any spark.

He was feeling a bit dizzy from all the changes happening. Like, even if it wasn’t huge for others-it changed some perspectives but not in the kind of way that made the earth turn-it was huge to Grizz. Everything he had been avoiding had happened. He had come out. To Sam, to his ex girlfriend, to his best friends, and now to the whole fucking school. It was a little overwhelming, and it made Grizz feel wonderful. 

Then came lunch. Grizz, along with the rest of The Guard, were heading towards their spot in the cafeteria, when they passed by a table. At the table sat a good seven or so boys, among them being Campbell, Harry Bingham, and Greg Dewey.

“Faggot,” Dewey called after Grizz as they passed them.

Grizz had been entirely prepared to brush off the comment. He knew there would be plenty of people in the school who would have a problem, and while he figured most were just silent in expressing that, some would be louder. Dewey had always been a little shit, and dgrizz expected nothing less from him. He didn’t care. His friends, however, were not so peaceable. When they saw something they didn’t like, they were quick to let their anger lead them, no matter how much trouble they knew it could get them into. 

They were immediately turned around to face Dewey in a rageful rush.

“The fuck you say you little creep?” Clark spat. Clark had always hated Dewey, and right now, Grizz thought he might actually witness a murder. This might have been the final straw for him.

“Faggot,” he repeated.

“You wanna fucking die?” Jason barked.

“For what? It’s true. He’s a faggot,” Dewey said, “Walking around wit his boyfriend like it’s okay.”

“Hey, say that shit one more time, I fucking dare you,” Luke said, joining in.

“Or what?” 

“I will break every bone in your tiny little body,” Clark responded.

“Guys, chill. Just fucking ignore him,” Grizz said.

“No way,” Jason argued, “Bro, we’re the only ones allowed to give you shit about being gay.”  
“It doesn’t matter. Just let it go.”

His friends, thankfully, backed down, though they sent glares back at the table as they left, and Grizz was fairly certain that after school, when he wasn’t there to stop them, Dewey would be getting the beating of his lifetime. As he left, he gave one last disdainful glare at the boys gathered around the table. All of them wore a matching smug look. Campbell seemed entirely amused, in his sick perverted way. He grinned at Grizz in a way that sent chills down his spine. He shook it off, turing to follow his friends to their own table.

Nothing else happened that day, and Grizz was thankful. He considered it to be mostly a success. He had gotten through the day the same as he always did. He had gotten his first taste of regular high school relationships with someone you really cared about. The Dewey situation had put a damper on things for a bit, but by the time Grizz sat down next to Sam, all the bad feelings washed away. His friends took a while to cool down, but Grizz didn’t mind so much. It was nice to know that they really meant what they had said. They had his back. And he was gonna be alright.


	11. But strangely he feels at home in this place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the first time Grizz actually uses a quote in this. I don't know how to read so its a hard task to find good quotes.

They had been waiting off campus for him. Had Clark or Jason been spearheading the operation, they would have done it right out in front of the school, but thankfully Luke had taken charge. He wasn’t one to get into fights, and though he wasn’t exactly a model student, he wasn’t eager to be caught fighting on school grounds. He was more than alright with his record staying where it was, where most of his offences were things like skipping class or smoking weed behind the school. 

“You sure this dildo is gonna come here?” Jason groaned. They had been sitting in the same spot, in a grassy patch on the side of a neighborhood road, for all of five minutes but Jason was never known for his patience. 

“Bro, he walks here everyday. His house is down this road, he’s gotta go by,” Clark said. Clark, for reasons he refused to explain, knew Dewey’s route home. He would walk the same street everyday, because his house was only a couple blocks from the school and he didn’t have a car. It was a bit concerning that Clark was aware of this, but it served a purpose at that moment, and Luke wasn’t about to question it.

“What if todays the one day he doesn’t?” Jason counters, “What if he knows we’re waiting.”  
“He doesn’t,” Luke said.

“He could.”

“No one knows we’re here, man,” Luke pointed out.

“Yeah, we didn’t even tell Grizz,” Clark added.

Grizz didn’t know. Or at least, he wasn’t outright told, though he may have been able to predict something along the lines of what they were doing. They knew if they told him, Grizz being Grizz, he would have a moral obligation to stop them. If he didn’t know, however, he wouldn’t say anything later on. So long as he wasn’t explicitly aware, it was a go.

“We should just go,” Jason whined, “he’s not coming.”

“No way, bro. This little fucker is getting what’s coming to him,” Clark argued.

“That’s right. We told Grizz, we got his back,” Luke agreed.

“Oh shit,” Jason said, quietly now, “He’s coming.”

They watched as Dewey walked up the street. As he drew closer to them, he became aware of the three large men standing expectantly in front of him. His pale face grew paler at the sight of them, and he probably knew what was about to happen.

“Hi Dewey,” Clark greeted.

The boy stood before them looked like he was about to shit himself. Luke felt a little bad for him, but the way he saw it, he brought it upon himself. Grizz was their friend, and Dewey had fucked up bad.

***

It was almost midnight, and it felt like the whole world was drifting away. The big empty house that surrounded the two boys was lonely and dark. Just the bedroom where they sat, and nothing else. As if, Grizz could walk across the room to peer out a window, and find the world exactly as he left it growing smaller beneath him as it grew farther and farther from him. But he wouldn’t do that, because he would have to leave the bed. That just wasn’t an option. 

He felt as though the bed was finally his own. Everything was finally his own. He was complete. So sitting against the headboard with the boy he loved pressed against his side and drowning his sweatshirt felt infinitely better than it ever could have before.

In the silence, Grizz let his mind wander, back to everything he had put himself through. He thought of all his mistakes. None of them felt much like him anymore. He wasn’t the boy who forced himself into sex with girls everytime he got drunk enough at a party in the hopes that people would notice them leaving together, or the girl would tell her friends and word would spread. He wasn’t the boy who couldn’t talk because he was afraid he would ruin his life with a single misstep, or the boy who messed up and coped by sleeping with Carla only to leave her alone at prom. He couldn’t help but wonder if he really did those things. If he ever felt so bad that those seemed to make sense in his waterlogged mind. Because he was so different now. He was better. He needed that.

_If you have a library and a garden_ , he quoted absentmindedly, _you have everything you need._ _Cicero, I think._ He didn’t know if he believed it. Maybe not literally, but when was anything literal? Because, literally, a garden and a library weren’t hard to come by. But they represented more than that, and Grizz wanted to believe he had that.

_ Do you? _ Sam asked,  _ Have all you need? _

_ Yeah. _

No, Grizz was sure he had that. He had all he needed. He had Sam.

He looked at the boy to his side. He had memorized his face long ago, but he liked to go over it. He bit his lip, knowing what he was about to say. He had to say it. It was pressing on his head, begging to be let out. He figured, after everything he deserved to say it. Surely, even if Sam didn’t feel the same way, he didn’t dislike Grizz enough to run away when he said it.

He lifted his hand, and forming the words with his fingers. Thumb up, index up, middle and ring down, pinky up. 

_ I love you. _

Sam smiled softly at Grizz, and he felt his heart flutter.  _ I love you too. _

They didn’t say anything after that. There wasn’t more that Grizz felt needed to be said. Right then, it was all out there. Grizz was in love with Sam and Sam loved him back. They had both said it. They both knew.

Sam leaned in to kiss him. It was soft and sweet and short.

At that moment, Grizz was almost thankful for his parents near constant absence from his life. He had everything to himself, the way he really needed it at the moment. He had finally come out, and he had felt as if there was too much attention placed on him. He had never been the life of the party or anything-he could have fun, and people acknowledged him-but compared to his friends he was always more subdued. He didn’t ask for attention like they did. Had his parents been around more, they would notice all of the changes that whirled around Grizz’s life. They would hear from people, or they would walk in at some inopportune moment to find Grizz being just a little too touchy with another boy. He was out, but not to his parents. He knew that they wouldn’t be supportive. With them gone so much, it didn’t even matter. They wouldn’t know one way or another, and Grizz barely felt they were a part of his life enough to want to tell them. It hurt him sometimes, but in that moment, he was thankful for it. It made it all so much easier.

After a while of blissful nothingness, where everything besides the two boys on the bed was just a distant memory stored somewhere unimportant in the back of their minds, that peaceful isolation was broken. First, by the sudden pounding of rain and the crash of thunder, and then by the buzzing of Grizz phone. Though Sam couldn’t hear the disturbance, the low rumbling from outside hummed through his skin, and he noticed Grizz startle. 

Grizz turned to grab his phone off his nightstand, checking his messages to find The Guard had been texting him at an almost constant rate from two thirty to five. There was a long break, and then a sudden flood of texts coming in from mere minutes before. Almost all of the texts were simply scolding Grizz and begging him to respond, with many colorful names thrown between.

After a bit of reading, he had a solid picture of what his friends so desperately needed to tell him.

_ The Guard beat the shit out of Dewey, _ He informed Sam.

_ Cause of what he said at lunch?  _ Grizz nodded.  _ That’s kind of nice of them. In a weird way I guess. _

_ Yeah,  _ Grizz agreed.

_ And not to say I’m okay with bullying or anything, _ Sam continued,  _ But Dewey is a huge asshole. _

Grizz laughed. Of course, he didn’t condone what his friends had done. He firmly believed that violence was rarely a good method. However, the deed was done, and he wasn’t exactly sorry for the guy. He wouldn’t be condemning The Guard or anything. Sometimes things had to be done, even if they weren’t pleasant to do. Besides, he was happy to find his friends really did care about him. They defended him for something that was actually pretty tame. Casual homophobia was something Grizz had been preparing himself to deal with since he was fourteen. He knew it could get worse, it could get a whole lot fucking worse. It was nice knowing his friends weren’t just talking out of their asses when they said they were there for him. 

He had what he needed. He had his friends. He had Sam. Sam, leaning against him with his arms wrapped around his waist and his face buried into his chest. Sam, who had told him he loved him for the first time that night. Sam, who was everything Grizz wanted. His mind fel lighter than it ever had, and fuck if he knew how he got there. Everything was perfect, like he had fit himself into his own little box in the universe with Sam. And he felt at home. This was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright this thing is actually over. That's kinda wild. Thanks to everyone who read this and left kudos and comments and shit (also sorry I didn't respond to any comments I'm not really good at that but they mean a lot). I had fun writing this and I'm glad people actually enjoyed it. See y'all.


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